A generation or two ago, coming up with the family portion of the guest list was easy enough (except for when it came to inviting a nasty aunt or a drunken cousin, and even then, the consensus was for the bride to invite them and ignore their antics as much as possible). Nowadays, it's not uncommon for brides and grooms to struggle with their parents' remarriages, resulting in family tensions that lead to the inevitable question, “Should I invite my step-so-and-so to my wedding?”

Mom and Dad, Behave Yourselves!

When your divorced parents can't be in the same room without one of them hurling insults at the other, how can you be expected to invite both of them to an intimate island wedding? Does one of them need to stay home? And if so, which one?

Here's the deal: Your parents are adults, no matter how they behave in your presence. In the interest of what's best for you, their child, they should be able to bury the hatchet — or at least settle for a temporary indifference toward one another — during your wedding trip. If you know that your mom is more prone to outbursts than your dad is, for example, speak to her before the wedding and explain how much it will hurt you if your marriage week should involve horrible bickering. If she can't promise to behave (or you know she won't), then it's up to you to decide whether you want to include her in the ceremony. You can't parent your parent, after all, and definitely not when your parent should be babying you (that is, during the days leading up to your wedding).

Stepparents should be invited, no matter how you feel about them. It would be completely unacceptable for you to tell your dad that his wife is not invited to an in-town wedding; a destination wedding is no different. You would only put your dad in an awkward spot, forcing him to choose between you and his wife. (Guess what? His wife might say that you're being immature, and she'd be right. That doesn't make you look good.)

Don't try to say that the resort can only handle six wedding guests, and your stepmom just didn't make the cut. If that's truly the case, find a resort that can accommodate a few more people. When all's said and done, and you don't have to hear for the next fifty years that you left someone out of your wedding, you'll be glad you included her. Who knows? A week on a cruise ship might be just the thing that'll bring the two of you together.

Step Right Up, Stepsibling

What about stepsiblings? Should they be included in an intimate gathering? If you're very close to your stepbrothers and stepsisters, you probably don't need to ask this question. If you barely know them or you've never particularly cared for them, you don't need to invite them to a small destination wedding. Leaving them out of a larger gathering, though, is something of a slap in the face, so don't do it unless you're prepared to reap what you've sown. It's always better to err on the side of caution, particularly where weddings and family members are concerned. If it's within your means and you're inviting everyone you know, send your stepsister an invitation, too. Chances are, if the two of you really don't click, she won't come — but you'll still look like a decent person, as opposed to how you may be judged if you blatantly exclude her.