When you are functioning as an individual parent, rather than as a part of an advocacy group, it's important to see the whole school system, but to approach the individual people working in it as human beings. Savvy is essential at times, but following the golden rule will probably get you more mileage.

Be Kind

Now that you know that the system is made up of individual human beings, the first and foremost way to get what you want from them is to be kind to them. Follow the golden rule, and treat them as you would want to be treated in your job by the people you come into contact with. It's hard, when you're a parent with a full plate and who's hurting because your child is hurting, but it's extremely important that you not come out swinging. If you're angry and attack others, they'll be defensive and uncooperative, so your child won't get as much help, and you'll get even angrier. Don't waste your energy on tactics that make the situation worse.

Be Proactive

Being kind doesn't mean being passive — you can advocate for your child with class and courtesy. In fact, according to Diana Dessery Hensley, a licensed educational psychologist in Orange County, California, being “a sweet pain in the side” is probably your best strategy. So, be proactive whenever a new situation comes up: when your child has a new teacher, new counselor, or starts in a new school, make contact first. Introduce yourself and invite communication by saying something like, “Hi, I'm …, so-and-so's Mom/Dad. Here's my cell phone number. I really want to be involved with my child's education/counseling, so if there's ever anything you need to discuss about my child, good or bad, just call me.” Get on their radar screen in a nice way, and whenever possible, don't wait for a problem before you make your first appearance.

Be Receptive

When you are contacted about behavior, a health concern, or a possible learning disability, listen to what the person tells you without being defensive or dismissive. When the issue is behavior, get as many of the facts as possible, and listen calmly instead of coming to your child's rescue and excusing, rationalizing, or minimizing the behavior. Thank the person who contacted you, and say that you want to talk to your child and your partner, and that you'll be in touch to let the caller know how you'll address the behavior. Then do so, and uphold any consequences that come from the school.

If a learning disability or health issue is the concern, you should also listen calmly and gather as many facts as possible. Say something such as, “Can you tell me what you're seeing that's leading you to think ADHD is a possibility?” and don't negate her observations. After she has finished speaking, ask what comes next, if there is a nurse you can speak with, if she will refer the child for screening, or if a “study team” can take a closer look.

Know Your Rights

Finally, Dessery Hensley recommends you know your rights as a parent. “Parents have a lot of rights,” she explains. You don't have to sign anything you don't agree with or accept a recommended treatment plan if it doesn't seem right to you; you can ask for resources for more information, for time to consider the recommendations and weigh your options, and for a second meeting. If you're at a meeting to discuss your child's needs, such as at an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) meeting, remember that you're part of the team, and you have a voice in what's going on. Of course, you do have the right to an attorney, but unless an egregious crime has been committed, announcing you're going to get a lawyer will put school personnel on the defensive. They'll put any extra effort into minding their p's and q's so they don't get sued, rather than putting extra effort into figuring out the best way to help your child.