Parenting styles differ from one generation to the next, from one culture or geographic area to another, and even between you and your own siblings. What works for you may not even work for your partner. However, parenting styles can be grouped into four useful categories.

Parenting Styles

Permissive parenting allows the child to do whatever she pleases. For example, Marlene's seven-year-old daughter Zoe has several allergies, including nut allergies. Zoe asks Marlene if she can have some of Marlene's 100-calorie cereal snack mix, and Marlene says no because it's her own diet food. Zoe takes a bag, and Marlene protests that the snack could contain nuts. Zoe eats some when her mother isn't looking. Several minutes later, Zoe reappears with a half-empty bag, and hasn't had an allergic reaction, so Marlene decides it must be okay. Contrary to popular belief, permissive parenting is not being “nice” or loving at all. It is not kind to let your child run the show and ignore what you say.

In dictatorial parenting, the parent makes the rules and enforces them because she's the boss. “Why can't I have another cookie? Why do I have to clean my room? Why can't I spend the night at Daphne's?” are all answered with a stock “Because I said so,” reply. Noncompliance results in automatic punishment, because “if you give a kid an inch, he'll take a foot.”

Abusive parenting is never acceptable. Abuse is defined as a wide-ranging pattern of behaviors: neglect, emotional abuse (often called mental abuse), physical abuse, and sexual abuse. While most people recognize sexual exploitation and locking kids in closets as abuse, it's important to realize that belittling a child, yelling at a child, withholding food, and many forms of physical punishment are considered abusive, including whipping. If you or your partner is abusing a child, please get help for yourself and your child immediately. Abusing a child will not put an end to defiant behavior or the issues behind it — it has extremely harmful consequences on your child's cognitive and emotional development, and in fact will often cause bad behavior to worsen or intensify.

The assertive parenting style is the most effective way to parent any child over the age of three or four. Like many other interpersonal relationships in your life, the parent-child relationship needs time and attention, and an emphasis on communication and respect for the feelings and rights of everyone involved. Each rule has a reason, and enforcement of the rules may not be wildly fun, but is fair.

Authority and Your Role

Sometimes, parents are reluctant to be assertive with their children for fear that they'll be resented later. Maybe a father remembers his own father as a judge-jury-executioner type who ruled the family with an iron fist, and doesn't want to hurt his own children the way his father hurt him. Maybe a mother who is passionate about art doesn't want to squelch her children's creativity by putting up boundaries and saying no every time her son has a daring idea.

Although you may not be 100 percent comfortable with the role of authority and its impact on your identity or what it means in a larger philosophical sense, it's important to realize that as a parent, your role is inherently one of authority. Your child needs authority from you for protection, guidance, and security.