Again, start small. If your child has been displaying defiant behavior, take all of the nit-picky rules off the table for now and focus on a few rules that can increase the safety and peace in your home. You're not letting the other behaviors slide, you're taking a systematic approach to effective enforcement that's going to take a few weeks or months to round out.

Forming Most Important Rules

Divide the rules you'd like to see in your home into three categories: very important, less important, and negotiable. To do this, make a list of all of the problem behaviors that you think need correcting. Next, put a checkmark next to the three behaviors you think are most problematic. Alone or with your partner, form a “Most Important Rules” list using no more than three checked behaviors from your list. Some appropriate rules for the “Most Important” list could be:

• Always tell an adult before you leave the house.

• Go to school every day.

• No putting holes in walls or windows.

• No harming the pet.

• Complete and turn in homework every day.

• Bedtime is 9:00 P.M. Go to bed on time every night.

• No hitting.

• Weapons are not allowed in the house.

The rules you choose should be age-appropriate and based on a problem you currently have. So, if you don't have a problem with destruction of property, a rule against putting holes in the walls is not only unnecessary, it could backfire by showing an already defiant kid where he can find another button to push on your already overloaded control panel. These will be the basic, non-negotiable rules for your household from this day forward, no exceptions. Write the list down, but don't announce it yet, because there are a few more steps to this process.

Forming Less Important Rules

Take another look at your list. Now that you've clarified your priorities, choose three to five more behaviors that you'd like to see corrected later, after your child has a handle on obeying the top three rules. These are behaviors that are certainly disruptive, but that you can live with for a few more weeks because they don't directly harm you, your child, or anybody else in the house. Make a list of three to five new, less important rules based on this list. The rules should be specific to behaviors, not general or attitude-oriented. Some examples could be:

• No swearing.

• No yelling closer than two feet from another person's face.

• Curfew is 6:00 P.M. on school nights and 9:00 P.M. on Fridays, Saturdays, and the day before a holiday.

• No friends in the house unless an adult is home.

• Keep a parent in your sight at all times in public places.

• Maximum two hours of (TV, computer, videogames) per day.

These will be non-negotiable at a later date. Writing them down now can give you comfort because you can get some peace from knowing they will be resolved soon. But for now, put a star next to these and save them for later. You will also create a third set of rules that you negotiate with your child after that.