How Kids and Teens Respond to Praise and Rewards
Behaviorism is a branch of psychology theorizing that positive reinforcement of behaviors increases the likelihood that they'll happen again. So, if you're learning to ride a bike and pushing the pedal makes it go forward, your action (pushing the pedal) works like a reward (you get what you wanted: to make the bike go). The same can happen with your child's behaviors.
Rewards and Your Child's Brain
A bike moving forward is its own reward. Now you, as the parent, have to be the moving bike, so to speak, by rewarding positive behaviors. The result? You get more of the behaviors you want. This isn't manipulation any more than punishment is a manipulation — it's just guiding your child to do more of what you want.
Positive reinforcement is extremely powerful, more so than negative reinforcement. If you're reading this book, you may feel that the last thing your child needs is anything but a stiff dose of consequences. However, this chapter comes before consequences because positive reinforcement is simply more effective.
Everyone Seeks Rewards
All people — adults, children, men and women, all over the world — seek reward. On some level, all people behave the way they do because they want rewards for the behavior. Why hold down a job? Because people like to be paid money so they can buy things, like food (a huge biological reward) and new cars (a convenience and status symbol that are also attractive rewards). Why obey the law? Presumably, most people aren't just avoiding the negative consequences of prison and fines, they're also enjoying the reward of living in a relatively peaceful community and being respected by their peers as law-abiding citizens.
And why care about a kid who doesn't seem to care about you? Because there are several rewards: living in a peaceful household, pride in the future prospect of having raised a self-sufficient and well-rounded adult, and a biological reward for being part of a family that functions to serve the biological needs of everyone in it. That's a warm-and-fuzzy breakdown of a cold look at biology and psychology.
Behaviorism Meets Personality
Behaviorism originally held that people behave as they do because they've been conditioned to do so. That oversimplified things a bit because to some extent, personality comes into play. People are not exactly blank slates — at some point during a conflict, a frustrated spouse or parent has probably told you, “You're just like your dad/uncle/mom/grandma!” You may have even said the same thing about your child.
A cake is good analogy for understanding how far you can modify your child's behavior. When your child is born, it's like taking a cake out of the oven — it's already vanilla, butter, chocolate, or coconut flavor. You can decorate it anyway you want, with any flavor, quantity, or color of frosting, and you can even slice it apart and add filling, but you can't change the flavor of the cake. You just want that cake to be the best cake it can be when you're done with it.
So, as you think about your expectations for your child's behavior, keep in mind that some things will be easier for him than others, and get ready to be patient for the tougher situations. Is there another person in the family who behaves similarly to your child (possibly you)? If so, what kinds of strategies have helped that person? By observing the whole picture, you will be more effective at getting what you want for your child and your family.
Alert
Social learning theory is another reason you might have for rethinking the bonds your child is forming with other adults you don't know. What's your daughter picking up at day care? What does your son learn from being at the neighbors' house all afternoon? Look for adults whose values mirror yours, and you'll be more comfortable with your child being around them.
Social Learning Theory
Social learning theory is another psychological philosophy that can be helpful in getting more of what you want. This is the theory that people learn by observing others. While there are many learning styles, and an education specialist will probably give you lots more information on this topic, for the purposes of behavior modification, think of it as “People learn by example.”
That means that your child mimics your behaviors, as well as those of others and the society at large. If you are stubborn and unapproachable, your child will probably pick that up. If the grownups in your family eat fast food and sit around in front of the TV every evening, they set an example that won't be negated by telling your kid to eat vegetables and exercise. The “do as I say, not as I do” strategy doesn't work, or at least doesn't have much sticking power.
