Signs That Something Is Wrong
In Appendix A, you will find a list called “The Markers.” “The Markers” are behaviors that can be indicative of a wide range of serious problems, from depression to drug use to suicidal tendencies. This list is applicable to the teen years as well. Read the list and keep it in mind as you parent during the teen years so you know when your teen might need serious help. In addition, consider the following two markers for the teen years.
The Mouth Speaks from the Heart
While middle school or younger children are usually just parroting the speech they hear in the media or from friends, teens who talk about drugs, sex, violence, and other serious problems are giving you a big clue as to what they're doing or considering doing. If you hear your child using drug culture slang, talking about how much he loves guns and how he thinks movies that show people getting blown up are cool, or suddenly is having a new awareness and focus on stalking, take note.
Alert
If your child talks about suicide, indicates that he'd like to blow people up and has access to a weapon,call a therapist immediately. If you think your child is at risk of harming himself or others, don't wait for the bonding activities described below; act immediately.
Ask your child more about his friends and interests, ramp up the bonding activities, and employ some decoy activities as explained in the previous chapter to try to get a better feel for what's going on in your child's life and whether you need to intervene. Sometimes, your presence and involvement in his life will provide adequate protection from other, more harmful activities; other times, you may need to call a therapist.
When You're Out of Touch
Another red flag is not having a good idea of what's going on in your teen's life or who his friends are. If you realize that you don't know whether your teen is talking about real friends or media characters, if you can't remember what's on his schedule for a given day of the week, or if you don't know who his teachers are and how he's doing in school, it's time to get more involved in your teen's life. If that's a big change, he'll probably resist it at first and it may be uncomfortable and awkward for both of you. Do it anyway. Use decoy activities; take your teen out to eat, offer to let his friends come over (when you will be home), and show up to watch games or school performances, even if your teen says they're unimportant.
