It's time to put rewards, rules, and consequences into action for the teen. Don't forget to look for what your teen does right and reward and praise it. Your teen should also have clear, explicit rules and a firm understanding of what will happen if they're broken.

How to Reward Good Behavior

As noted earlier, the most troublesome teens are those who need the most love and affirmation from adults, especially their parents. Even teens who insist they don't need you to love them anymore need it, and if your teen is defiant and out-of-control, you need to get in touch with your love for him despite your frustration.

Also keep a reward chart that looks mature (you'll probably need to lose the stickers and get a black magic marker instead) and is focused on accumulating points for good behaviors that add up to a larger reward. Find your child's interests and use them as rewards: increments of screen time and time out on weekend nights are big ones, so might be use of the car or a day trip to someplace he's always wanted to go. Don't make the rewards so big they are hard to earn, or so expensive or inconvenient that you can't deliver, or your teen will be frustrated, resentful, and more defiant.

How to Decrease Problem Behaviors

If your teen is at all cooperative, enlist his help in outlining the rules and consequences. This may be a long conversation, so plan time for it. Ask, “What kinds of rules do you think are fair? What should we all do to live here happily and peacefully?” and “What kinds of consequences do you think would stop you from doing … ?” Again, expect your teen to need you to be extremely literal and specific, so it's okay if your rule is a long, long sentence instead of just a simple “No breaking things.” Consequences should be easy to enforce, so if you are not home in the afternoons, you can't expect to enforce a “no screen time” consequence.

Your teen may also want to counter with some rules of his own, such as “I want you to stop nagging me.” If you are having a calm, constructive conversation, and the request is reasonable and can be defined in a behavior-specific way (for example, rephrasing “No nagging” as “If you are exactly on time I won't comment on how you were almost late.”), consider accepting your child's requests. If your conversation is volatile and the requests unreasonable, say, “It sounds like you're looking for some fairness. I'm willing to consider following some of your rules, too. We can talk tomorrow when we're calmer. It would help if you write down some of your suggestions ahead of time.” Showing you are fair and not making rules just because you're on a power trip will likely get you more cooperation and peace.