Do your conversations with your teen feel one-sided? You ask, “How was your day? What did you learn? Who is that guy you were kissing?” and your teen answers, “Fine. Nothing. Nobody.” This type of exchange is extremely frustrating to a parent who wants to be part of a teen's life and know more about what's going on, but there are better ways than question-and-answer to stay in touch, even if your questions are the open-ended type that get longer responses from adults and small children.

Conversation Tips

Put more thought into setting up an opportunity for conversation than you do into what types of questions you want to ask. When your kids are in the car with you, prohibit anyone (especially yourself) from answering a cell phone. Play a pointless card game with your teen, or offer to help her find more information on activities and fields of study that interest her. Avoid TV, but agree to go to a movie that requires you to drive together to the theater, or surf the web together so you can talk about the things you see online and what websites she likes.

During these interactions, let your child be the star of the conversation, and follow her lead, and you will learn more about her. Offer up your own opinions, advice, and stories from your youth very infrequently, or only when your child asks (which will probably be infrequently). When you do have something to say, count to ten before jumping in so that your child has a chance to finish speaking, and you have a chance to make a calm, well-thought-out statement or question.

Responding to Teen Criticism

Teens are often highly critical of their parents, sneering and groaning about Mom's hairstyle, Dad's huffing-puffing morning jog, the music their parents listen to, the friends they have, their boring idea of fun, and even the way they read parenting books about how to deal with teens. Insults are normal, but are inappropriate and should not be tolerated; criticism can sometimes be reframed in a low-key way using the communication skills in Chapter 8: “It sounds like you don't like my shirt, huh? But I do, because I feel comfortable in it and I think it makes me look thinner than I am.”

If your child says, “I can't believe you're such a lousy parent that you can't even deal with me without reading a book about it!” you can respond with the truth, which is, “I'm glad you noticed. I'm reading this book because I love you and want to be the best parent I can for you. There's always something new I can learn.”