These bonding activities are the perfect moments to have a dialogue with your middle schooler that will keep you informed about what her friends are doing, what's cool, how to use the new lingo, and most of all, how to protect her effectively.

Decoy Activities

Much of the time, with tweens and teens, you have to strategize to get an effective conversation, as anyone knows who's asked a teen what she did that day! If you want your kid to say more to you than “Fine,” “Nothing,” “Nobody,” and “I don't know,” direct questions aren't as effective as using bonding activities as decoys for conversation opportunities. Instead of saying, “Let's talk about school, drugs, your friends, and what we can do about peer pressure,” try, “Let's go shopping,” “I need you to help me clean out the garage,” or “Do you want to go fishing?” Once you're engaged in the activity, keep relatively quiet, and allow plenty of time for your child to think up a topic of conversation and lead the way. Then follow.

How to React

At some point during one of these conversations, you're likely to hear something that gets you upset, such as references to drugs, alcohol, sex, or other unsupervised, reckless behaviors and the people who engage in them, whether it's a new clique you're wary of or a music artist you can't stand. When you hear these references, don't butt in and say, “That person is an idiot!” or “I never want to hear you talk about that again!” Instead, when your child is not in direct danger, say something like, “That song talks about a crack whore. What do you think that means?” or “How do you think your friend's older cousin paid for that new car? What do you think about that?”

If your child is in danger, or would be if the circumstances happen again, you'll have to take the “I love you too much to let you do …” tactic. React calmly, thoughtfully, and honestly, and be sure to show both your concern and your love. Say something like, “I'm glad you told me about this. You did the right thing, and I am so proud of you for being brave enough to let me know about it. What you're describing here is a very dangerous situation, because … could happen in a case like this. I love you too much to let you be in a situation like that again, so I can't let you … anymore.” Let your partner know about the situation, and if reasonable, solicit your child's input about how to avoid it happening again. You may also wish to educate your child on the subject by getting a book about it and reading it together.