As you've seen in the chapters on rewards, rules, and consequences, stopping bad behavior isn't enough to help a child grow into a well-rounded, satisfied, happy adult. You must also nurture skills that benefit the child, and a key way to benefit your child is to help her win friends and admiration.

How to Have Friends

If you want to have friends, you have to be a friend. If you think your child is so aggressive others don't like her, or if, on the other hand, she's so withdrawn at school that nobody even notices she's there, she could use some help learning to be a friend. This isn't done by throwing big, fancy parties, or by buying an expensive gizmo so other kids' jealousy drives them to seek her company. It's done by engaging your child's own personal resources — listening, sharing, taking turns, contributing to a group, and paying attention to others' feelings — so that other kids feel comfortable around her and even seek her out.

If you haven't done so already, teach your child about empathy: seeing things from others' perspectives. You can do this in subtle ways, for instance, by pointing out how an older person with a cane might have trouble opening the door at the bank, and asking your child to think about what she would do if she had to struggle with a cane and a heavy door. If she ignores you, ask her if she would appreciate someone opening the door for her, if she were in that situation. Over the course of a few weeks, these prompts will help your child realize how others feel, and this will make it harder for her to hurt others. In fact, it may even prompt your child to do good works, like opening a door for someone who can't. Positive role modeling on your part is the most powerful way to prompt good works.

In addition, she'll need to reach out to others by offering to share, to take turns, to invite others to participate in games and social activities. Ask your child who, if anyone, she'd like to spend more time with, and then take action to help her facilitate this, by allowing her to invite a friend over to play, by offering to buy Valentine's Day cards, or by bringing an extra popsicle, set of goggles, or scooter that she can offer to share when she goes to social events. If your child says she doesn't want to spend time with anyone, provide these opportunities for a few months, as it may turn out to be more fun than she'd expected. If you think your child is being picked on or this strategy doesn't work out, you can drop it or try it in a new environment where she doesn't have a “history.”

The Real Meaning of Leadership

Children who have a strong need for power and control may try to make friends by dominating others with the mistaken notion that everyone will admire how tough and fearless they are. In middle school and high school among a group of similarly aggressive friends, this can definitely be the case and may have violent outcomes. However, most children in grade school aren't savvy enough yet to start a “crime ring,” and this strategy backfires on them. Instead of liking them, other kids do what they say out of fear.

If you think your child craves admiration and recognition, brainstorm some healthy activities she can be engaged in that have a high chance of success. Even if they aren't to your tastes, try to find a way she can get connected to healthy interests of her own.

Next, have a conversation about leadership. Ask your child who she admires and who her heroes or role models are, and why. This can be a very telling conversation, and you can use this information to channel your child's energies in a healthy direction. If your child admires a role model you find appropriate, help her learn more about the role model; if your child admires a role model you are uncomfortable with, ask more about why and see if you can point out the same admirable traits in other, healthier role models. Finally, it's important to show your child that a successful leader is usually someone who helps others get what they want, rather than someone who uses others for her own benefit. Successful leaders — and this is even more important in the twenty-first century — are humble, wise, and caring, and make those around them feel good about themselves. That's why people follow them.