Using good communication skills in your home will minimize repetitive fighting and arguing between you and your partner, between you and your child, between siblings, and between your children and the outside world. These skills can be learned, taught, and shared, with surprisingly rewarding results for everyone involved. So why doesn't everyone use them? Two reasons: first, societies have gotten out of the habit; second, it takes courage to communicate skillfully because there's short-term risk involved in caring about others' feelings.

Empathetic Listening

Effective communication begins not with talking, but with listening. It's hard to do when some of your own needs — a shower, a good night's sleep, a few minutes of exercise, financial stability — are not being met. Try to turn down the white noise in life for a few minutes and really listen to what your child is saying. Isn't it funny that not doing anything is the most powerful thing you can do to communicate? But it's true. You have to be present in the moment and receive from your child, without offering advice, trying to solve the problem, launching off into a story about what it was like when you were a kid, or underscoring the life lesson that can be gleaned from the present situation.

To practice empathy, look into the child's eyes as she speaks, nod to encourage her to talk, and, once she's finished, show you've been listening by paraphrasing her words without adding any judgments. For example, if your child comes home and says, “Nobody at school likes me, and I hate them, too,” you should say, “It sounds like you're saying nobody at school likes you, and you hate them too.” Don't try to replace the word “hate” with “dislike.” Your child's feelings are valid and you must find and recognize them to listen empathetically; you can work on her choice of language at another time. Not adding judgments of your own does not mean you are stupid or thoughtless in reaction to what your child has said. It simply means you're listening, which is immensely comforting to the child.

Labels versus Actions

When it is your turn to talk, focus on feelings and actions rather than labels. The risk here is that you can only express your own opinions and observations, and cannot be the end-all, be-all authority in the world. To be clear: that does not mean you're not in charge of your child and that you can revert to laissez-faire parenting; it means your opinions are your own and you can't foist them on other people. In time, as your children see you treat them with respect and care, they'll grow to think about and respect your opinions rather than swallow them hook, line, and sinker. The advantage to this is that they'll make a habit of doing so and will think about others' opinions in the same way. That will be important when it's time for her to find a life partner: your child needs skills for thinking carefully about others' actions, not a habit of being dominated by whoever comes along and calls herself the queen.

To focus on feelings and actions rather than labels, avoid calling names. Nobody in this world is stupid, ugly, lazy, bad, evil, messy, finicky, or unfocused; neither are they smart, beautiful, hard-working, good, angelic, neat, easy-going, or organized. Those are all judgments, opinions of the speaker or of the family, the media, or general populace. Instead, focus first on actions: “I noticed you cleaned your room three times this week!” “It looks like you don't like broccoli, string beans, or peas, right?” “You've included your brother in your plans to go to the movies.” “You've waited to study until the night before your test.” These statements focus on the actions you've observed, nothing more.

The “I” Statement

Obviously, your kids need your guidance and input in their lives, and to give them this, you have to speak up and express your point of view. To do so, focus on feelings using “I” statements. “I” statements are commonly taught as a way of communicating effectively and reducing conflict in all human interaction.

An “I” statement is a simple expression of your feelings: “I feel disappointed because you broke your promise about calling me before you go somewhere.” “I feel sad when you call me and your brother those names.” “I feel confused when you tell me you don't like strawberries because you asked me to buy them.” “I feel impatient when you are not ready on time.” “I feel peaceful when we hug and talk like this.”

Beware using veiled judgments: “I feel you are being lazy” is not an “I” statement of your feelings; it's a judgment of another person. “I feel like you've dropped the ball” is another judgment. Try rephrasing it as “I'm disappointed that you only did your homework for three days after our discussion, and haven't done homework at all this week.”