It's hard enough to deal with one defiant child, so what do you do when you've got your hands full with two defiant children? For starters, if you are married, you and your spouse must present a united front.

Nurture Your Marriage

In order to be a strong parenting team, you and your spouse need to do more than just agree on strategies. You need to be connected. That means you'll have to spend some time nurturing your marriage without parenting, by going on a walk, drive, date, or full-on weekend away just to be together without talking about the kids.

If it seems like you are being torn in a million different directions by a million urgent needs, you're not alone. Most parents today have trouble balancing work, family, love, and personal needs. To combat this, try two things: first, consider removing something unnecessary from your life. Second, start with small — but measurable — chunks of time devoted to each need. For example, you can set a goal of one coffee morning per month with your spouse.

The Family Team

Another way to deal with more than one defiant child is to celebrate your family unit, showing your kids that you're all in it together, for better or for worse. What is unique and special about your “team”? You can make this corny by nicknaming your car or house and having inside jokes, or spiritual by making a ritual of saying a blessing before dinner or praying before bed. You could also emphasize coziness by making time for special things that, include only your immediate family, from run-of-the-mill activities like cooking and cleaning to fun stuff like going swimming or building a collective display as explained in Chapter 8.

Cope

The last strategy for dealing with more than one defiant child is to cope. Use the business mantra of “work smarter, not harder.” Rather than adding one more task to a mounting pile, take a step back and evaluate your life. What can you take off your plate? Is there any force that's draining you without giving anything back, like staying up too late or focusing on a manipulative adult relationship that's tearing you down? Is there a temporary situation that's exacerbating your kids' behavior, and if so, how, and how long can you hang on until you get added support? Who can provide support — a church, a partner, an extended family member, an employer, government programs, a close friend? Don't be ashamed — most people love to help as it makes them feel needed and useful.