It is extremely important for the health of your children's sibling relationship that you pay attention to how you speak about any behavioral problems, and that you don't make the defiance a big deal in the other child's eyes if or when it becomes abnormal. Here are some strategies for talking about a behavioral problem or other condition.

What to Say

Find a time to talk to the nondefiant child when the defiant child is not present. Start from a point of empathy for her feelings, such as, “I saw you crying when your brother slammed the door in your face earlier,” or “I know it has been hard for you to see your sister getting so much attention lately,” and then allow your child some time to respond. Instead of defending the defiant sibling's behavior, or your own actions, listen and validate her feelings.

Then, segue into an explanation that builds empathy for the other child, such as “I wanted to let you know that your sister has been having trouble with behaving. I think it really is hard for her to explain her feelings and behave appropriately.” Next, explain that your actions are partly to protect the child: “But just because she is having trouble does not mean that it's okay for her to behave like she has been. So, I have been doing everything I can to help her learn how to stop doing this. It takes time, and it may seem like she's getting all the attention right now, but I haven't forgotten about you. I love you and want you to be happy and calm in our house, so that's why I've been paying so much attention to helping your sister improve her behavior.”

What Not to Say

Don't make the other child out to be brain damaged, horrible, or crazy. Don't use labels like “bad,” “hard-headed,” “stubborn,” or “slow.” Don't align yourself with the nondefiant child against the other, as if the two of you are “in the know” and the other is a silly fool that you roll your eyes about behind his back. Don't blame defiant behavior on your spouse or anyone else. Don't ignore the desired behaviors.