Chances are, your children's defiant behavior and resentment will erupt into a fight sooner or later. Your children may also be likely to fight if they are struggling to find their own identities in a household where attention is uneven, where defiance is part of one child's identity, or where there are no consequences for fighting.

The “No Fighting” Rule

The best way to reduce fighting is to make fighting strictly against the rules with consequences you enforce immediately and consistently. If your children currently hit, kick, push, or otherwise use physical force against each other, focus your rules on getting them to solve conflicts without physical violence. If violence is not an issue, but screaming, insults, and name calling are driving you up the wall and hurting feelings, make this behavior against the rules using clear, specific language such as “No name calling,” or “No yelling within six feet of another person.”

The Power of Words

You can also reduce fighting by refraining from typecasting your children or comparing them (saying things like “Jeff is the good, studious one, and Mark is our athlete” or “We wish you could get good grades like your big sister” are recipes for sibling rivalry). Your child's own words are a tool as well — teach effective communication skills as outlined in Chapter 8 so that your children have another tool in their toolbox besides their fists and nasty remarks.

Structure Together, Structure Apart

If your children fight frequently, some structure and the adult supervision that goes with it may be helpful. A good mix of individual structured time and shared structured activities may help, so take a look at your children's schedules and think about what you can do to change them. Are they spending every minute of the day together, or do they only see each other in the mornings when they fight over the shower? Can you or your spouse start a new family ritual on Saturday mornings where the activity is predictable and a parent is present to intervene before conflicts get out of hand? Is one child locked into the demands of the other's special schedule, and could that child maybe get a special activity of his own?