Once you have their interactions somewhat smoothed out, raise the bar for your family and go beyond getting along: approach real affection. Siblings who love each other are important forces in each other's lives, probably for much longer than you will be yourself. The greatest gift you'll ever give your children is their siblings.

Unique and Valued Individuals

Earlier in the chapter, you learned how to create unity by ramping up the family “team spirit.” This is extremely important, and so is recognizing that the team is made up of uniquely amazing individuals. Celebrate your children's individual differences without categorizing them, and bolster each one's self-esteem by paying meaningful compliments and giving appropriate, sincere praise for work well done.

Showcase Positive Attributes

Give each child a chance to watch the other excel. Be careful: make sure this isn't one-sided or malicious (again, don't say things like, “Well, I see your brother made time for his homework!”). For example, if your defiant child is really good at a sport, get her on a team and take the other to watch the games, and vice versa.

Reward Positive Interactions

Your children's relationship may be so strained that you're at a loss to find any positive interactions. If so, remember that in Chapter 5 you learned to start very small, using “peanuts” to lead the elephant through the zoo. Be on the lookout for positive interactions between your children, however small, that you can praise and reward, because it's one of the best ways to get them to cooperate. If you start small, they'll follow where you lead, and eventually you'll get them to the place you want to go.