It's no fun to face the fact that your child has committed a crime, and is much more difficult than being in denial. However, denial won't help your child and could actually make matters worse. For your child's sake, as well as the sake of those around her, you need to head off criminal behavior before it gets any worse, so here's how to handle matters at home.

Talking with Your Spouse

Talk with your spouse or partner as soon as you have suspicions or after a conversation with a law enforcement officer. Explain the situation and ask if your spouse knows of anything else that could help you understand the situation — perhaps your spouse saw your child's friends with cans of spray paint, or thought he smelled marijuana on your child, but pushed any suspicions away in the absence of other information. Two heads are better than one, so compare notes. Then, present a united front by agreeing on how you'll handle the situation so that your child knows both of you love her, but will not tolerate the behavior.

If You Suspect

If you suspect your child is involved with criminal activity, but don't have any evidence, you should have a conversation with your child that includes five things:

• An affirmation of your love

• A review of what you've found out

• A statement of the law

• A mutual discussion of how to resolve the problem

• An explanation of accountability

Here's a skeleton example of what you can say (if possible, you and your partner should both be present): “I love you very much [affirmation] and I'm worried about you because I've heard kids are drinking at your friend Kevin's house [review] which is against the law because they're under twenty-one [statement of the law]. What can you tell me about this situation? Do you have any ideas about how to stay safe in a situation where people are breaking the law like this? [mutual discussion]” Allow plenty of time for your child to respond and offer some ideas. If you think they're insincere, tell her that you don't believe her suggestions would be effective and ask if she has any more. Then say, “Remember that law enforcement considers this a crime, and they'll take it seriously. I do, too. I will check to see that we've resolved the problem, and if I find out you've been drinking or been around teens who are drinking, you will be grounded for two weeks and won't be allowed to go to Kevin's house anymore” (accountability).

If You Know

If you know your child has committed a crime, but law enforcement has not yet taken action, be proactive. Remember to talk to your spouse or partner immediately, and find out more about the crime and its consequences. Sit down with your spouse and child to discuss the problem, being sure to affirm your love for the child and explaining that breaking the law is serious and has consequences both at home and in the justice system. Make it very clear that you will not hide evidence, or contribute to the crime in any way.

If the crime is minor and no one has been hurt, find a way to resolve the problem without involving law enforcement. If the crime was major and/or someone was hurt, call an attorney to discuss your family's options. Finally, remember that honesty is a good policy, and it may help your child to turn herself in before law enforcement finds out, so remind her that this may be to her benefit and could help everyone involved heal before things get worse. If she does turn herself in, praise her highly for the courage and responsibility in doing so.