If your child is convicted of a crime, you need to understand how your child views the situation, how to parent effectively around the situation, and how it can affect your child in the future. You also need to take specific actions as the parent.

Your To-Do List

At the top of your to-do list is affirming your love for your child. Though putting up a tough façade, and even possibly being thrilled by attention and drama, your child may be embarrassed to be involved with the justice system and scared of any potential consequences. Tell your child you will be there for him no matter what happens, and that you will always love him, in good times and bad.

Next, call an attorney and discuss your options — as a juvenile, your child may have some options for rehabilitation and lighter sentencing. Your child's attitude is usually a big part of this, so involve your child in the phone calls and in-office meetings. Finally, keep the themes of responsibility, fairness, justice, and understanding in your conversations with your child. It is only fair that crime have consequences and that responsible parties own up to what they've done, and if there are any victims, educate your child about empathy using the tips in Chapter 8.

Understanding Remorse

Your child may express remorse after committing a crime, and you must discern whether it is remorse for the crime or for being caught. Find out by asking him how he thinks his actions have affected others. How does he think stealing makes a store owner or employee feel? How would he feel if someone pulled a knife on him? If he expresses empathy, he is probably remorseful about the crime; if he says, “Serves them right,” or “Sounds fine to me,” he is probably remorseful about being caught.

It's important to know which type of remorse your child expresses because it is a good indicator of the likelihood of his repeating the behavior. Saying “I'm sorry” is a good start, but if he is sorry only that he got caught, expect that he has learned a lesson about how to cover up his crimes. Do not trust him in the situation where the crime took place, and reduce his free time.

The Role of Accomplice

Many times, a first crime is not the child's idea, but the idea of a more experienced friend — the first-time delinquent may be following along as an accomplice. This is not a reason to excuse your child's behavior, engage in denial, or think that your child was an unwilling participant, and you should still utilize the other tips in this chapter about what to do and how to talk to your child. Additionally, you should address this with your child by explaining what an accomplice is and stating that your child did contribute to the crime, even if he was unwilling (your child may have been perfectly willing, though). Try to minimize your child's contact with the friend in question, and explain that the justice system will probably be harsher if your child were to engage in another crime. Solicit your child's input for righting any wrongs and minimizing the likelihood that the friend will use him as an accomplice in the future.

Labeling

Labeling a child a delinquent, bad person, troublemaker, or other harsh description is dangerous and can make behaviors worse. Remember from Chapter 8 that it is more effective to focus on actions than labels. What happens if others have put a negative label on your child? Once someone is caught, goes through the justice system, and is labeled, everyone knows about it and the label is pervasive; it affects his whole life. Curiously, people take ownership of the label they're given and run with it. “Oh, no, I've committed a crime!” becomes “I'm a criminal,” which becomes, “Hey, you know what? I am a criminal and I'm a real bad dude, so watch out!” It becomes part of the person's identity. If your child has been labeled, counteract this by emphasizing good behaviors and affirming your unconditional love.