In order to maintain consistency between the rewards, rules, and consequences of your home and those of your child's other environments — school, after-care, Grandma's house, the world in general — you'll need to explain to your child the variations on a theme that are at play. It's important to recognize the authority of the rest of the world holds over your child's life because, remember, your child is strongly influenced by it.

The Themes

If you think about it, most rules are variations on a few themes:

• Not harming other people and their property (no hitting, no throwing balls in the house, and waiting for the light to turn green before you proceed, are examples)

• Fulfilling responsibilities to ensure the individual and the group survive and thrive (washing the dishes, doing homework, not littering, and so on)

• Trusting others to do the same (obeying your parents and the principal, sharing, using manners, not taking the biggest piece of pie, etc.)

For young children, and older children who may need some extra guidance, it helps to have an explicit conversation — and several that build on it afterward — about how rules are formed and why we give certain people authority to set them. Introduce the basic concepts above, and whenever there's a question about a rule in another environment, you can refer to these concepts. You can say something such as, “I think when your teacher says running in the classroom is against the rules, she's showing she cares about your safety and the safety of the other kids. That is one of those rules about not hurting people. You see, the classroom is a small space, and there's a lot of stuff you could trip on and people you could run into, so if you run there, you or another kid could get badly hurt.” When your child is ready, you can explain that laws are rules that lots of people have agreed on.

You might also refer to the Golden Rule, which appears in many places, including the Bible and most religions. The gist of most translations is, “Treat other people the way you'd want them to treat you.” You can also use Dr. Kathy's Golden Rule, “Act in ways that make you feel good about yourself and proud of your behavior.”

The Authorities

Later, your child will undoubtedly want to know just what makes the teacher or another authority the boss. “Why can't I set the rules?” she might wonder. “Why can't you go to the school and make them reverse my detention?” If so, it's time to explain that authority isn't just deemed, it's earned.

You can say something such as, “That does sound very frustrating. I trust the teacher to set rules and consequences for your classroom. She's been doing this for awhile. First, she studied how to teach in university, and then, the school picked her over a lot of other teachers they could have hired instead, and she's taught hundreds of kids, so I have to trust that she knows how to handle this best.” Showing that an authority has fulfilled some criteria instead of being randomly handed a crown is helpful.

It's also helpful to explain division of labor. A child who has a high level of anxiety may be looking for an explanation along these lines: “Everybody has to work together. No one person can do everything, so each person chooses a specialty that works for him or her. We have to trust that firefighters know how to fight fires, doctors know how to keep us healthy, mechanics will fix our cars, and teachers know how to teach. We have to trust that our family members have our best interests at heart. Is the system perfect? Do people we trust always have our best interests at heart? No, but it usually works at keeping people safe, healthy, and happy, and I feel safe this way.”