Perhaps you're wondering if part of your child's behavior problems could stem from inconsistent parenting by you and your partner. Children don't distinguish well between “Mom's Rules” and “Dad's Rules.” Not knowing what to expect from parent to parent can also lead to anxiety and further defiant behaviors. In order to help your child comply with “Our Rules,” you'll need to enlist your partner.

Having an Initial Conversation

In most families, one parent shoulders more childrearing responsibilities than the other. Still, it's important that you share your observations, insights, and recommendations using effective communication skills in order to help your child; if not, your child will get inconsistent messages and may even enjoy playing the two of you against each other.

First, make time for an initial conversation. You and your partner may have little downtime — how you spend what you have is up to you. It's extremely important that you and your partner be on the same page, so you need to have a conversation — or several — in order to best co-parent and take action as a united front.

For the greatest chance of success, use the communication skills taught at the beginning of Chapter 8. Try to approach the situation from a place of common ground: “I think we're both concerned about Zoe's behavior. I have some thoughts and have read some material I think might be helpful,” is a good opener. Be prepared that your partner may need to vent before you can continue. He might say something like, “You're darn right! Do you know what she said to me the other day? All I told her to do was to pick up her socks, and the next thing I know, it's an all-out battle….” If so, be patient, listen, and then respond by recognizing your partner's emotions before rattling off advice: “Are you feeling frustrated because Zoe had a temper tantrum over something that seemed inconsequential to you?” You may need to go through a few rounds of venting and listening empathetically before you can move on.

When you can move on, repeat that you have some ideas and observations. If you must be extremely concise, say, “I've read a lot of material that's helped me understand Zoe's behavior, what might be causing it, and how best to start fixing it. You can read it, too, or I can give you the synopsis. If you want the synopsis, or can't make time to read about defiant behavior soon, I'd like you to trust me to guide us on managing Zoe's behavior. In order to be effective at making our home more peaceful, it's extremely important that we are united in our plan of action. Here is what I think is causing the defiant behavior, and here's how I think we can start to fix it.”

If your partner will not get on board with you, or agrees but doesn't follow through, suggest that your inability to co-parent could be a factor in your child's behavior, and suggest marital counseling to help the two of you communicate more effectively. If your partner is still resistant, seek out counseling for yourself because you will need extra support to help your child if you are going to go it alone.

Daily Dealing

Once you have your partner on board, everyone should know what to expect. When a rule is broken, consequences must be applied immediately, or immediately after a parent finds out. Here's something very important: doling out consequences is the responsibility of the parent who is in charge at the moment. Don't let behaviors slide until your partner comes downstairs and stops them, or imply that doom comes when the other parent gets home by saying things like, “You're going to be in big trouble when Dad comes home!” All this does is divide you and your partner and make the one who won't enforce rules look weak to your child. It puts a strain on your marriage and gives your kid the opportunity to play you off of one another.

Of course, your child will test your power. She'll test the rules, and test each parent individually and as a team. Especially if your child is older and accustomed to inconsistency, you may have to stick with it for quite awhile before she gets the message (and her brain, too, which has developed in an inconsistent environment). At the end of each day, when you and your partner have time to relax, you can do a five-minute review of what happened during the day, how you felt about it, and how to stay strong for the next day. If you're pressed for time or your partner is distracted, give your partner the headlines rather than the play-by-play.

If something unforeseen happens, you might need to talk to your partner (“But Dad told me I could wear this to school!” “Well, Mom always lets us ride our bikes across that street!”). First, think about the rules you've made and if they apply to the situation, and do what you think is best in the moment. Talk to your partner when your child can't see or hear you. Don't discuss new rules and their enforcement right in front of your child if you think the two of you might disagree. All disagreements about rules should be resolved when your child is out of earshot; otherwise, your child will look for the cracks in your foundation where she can lodge herself and try to make a bigger fissure.