If you realize that your child's primary bond is with another adult, feeling like you're second fiddle can be very painful, especially if the primary attachment is with a daycare provider or other individual outside of your family. What should you do if your child is strongly attached to someone else?

Respecting Healthy Bonds

As long as a bond is safe, healthy, and appropriate, you should consider leaving it in place and even nurturing it. For example, if your child has been at an in-home daycare as long as he can remember, the daycare provider is likely a hugely important figure in his life. As long as you approve of the daycare provider, the morals and values taught in the daycare, and the environment of the daycare, respect your child's bond with the provider.

Your child may benefit by your showing how much you value this bond. A card on the daycare provider's birthday is certainly appropriate, as is a Christmas gift and perhaps an invitation to dinner at your home. Belittling the daycare provider behind her back will confuse your child, and severing their bond can be highly traumatic.

Weaning from Unsatisfactory Bonds

Your child may form a bond that you feel is unsatisfactory for valid reasons. If you have legitimate reasons other than jealousy for concern — say, the nanny is elderly and will probably not be able to care for your child within a few months, you have to move, or you know you'll be breaking up with a boyfriend your kids love — you may need to wean your child of the bond.

Start by planning a decisive action a few weeks or months ahead of time, and talking about it with your partner, if applicable. Then give your child ample warning that you'll be spending less time with so-and-so by June or whenever you've decided the transition will take place. Explain your reason in age-appropriate terms. You might say: “I really like Steve, and I like the way he has treated you. But I can't be friends with him the way he needs me to,” or “Mrs. McEntire's body is getting very old and tired. She's having a hard time seeing and hearing, and thinks that pretty soon you'll be running much faster than her.” Or: “Next month I'm going to get a new job and we'll have to move to where it is. We're going to have some new places to explore and new people in our lives, and we'll also have to say goodbye to some places and people we know now.”

Allow the conversation to develop as a dialogue over the next few days so there's time for the idea to sink in, and your child can say goodbye and grieve his loss, which will be very real. Gradually reduce the amount of time your child spends with the other person by spacing out phone calls or visits, if possible. Keep making bonding gestures at home. Remind your child of the transition every now and then by calling things to his attention, such as packing boxes for a move or giving back jewelry a boyfriend gave you.

Finally, when it's time to say goodbye, don't be gruff. Uphold your child's emotions and comfort him as best you can. If it's appropriate, encourage your child to make a card. Afterward, lower the bar for your child a little while he grieves and deals with the difficult transition. Be sure to continue making bonding gestures.

Separation from Unsafe Bonds

If your child has bonded with someone who puts him in danger, you will have to step in for your child's well-being and stop the contact swiftly. It will not be pleasant or easy, and will probably result in an initial increase in defiant behavior, because abrupt severance of bonds can be traumatic. However, once the transition is complete, you may find that defiant behavior decreases as your child adapts to a safer, more stable environment.

When faced with a tough decision like this, ask yourself which you prefer: your child's anger, or your child in danger. It's much better in the long run for your child's well-being and your parent-child relationship if you care enough about his safety that you're willing to endure his protests.

Talk about the change to explain your decision in age-appropriate terms and to acknowledge your child's pain, and consider therapy to help your child grieve his loss. You can say something such as, “I love you too much to let you be around people who are doing drugs (or not watching you and protecting you, or making you feel uncomfortable, etc). Because of that, we're not going to be able to visit him anymore.” Again, don't be gruff — remember that you're taking action because you care about your child and are sensitive to his needs, including his emotional ones.

Finally, remember that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, so hang in there during the rough transition, make bonding gestures, and keep your eyes on the long-term goals.