Every child who bears witness to bullying has to make a difficult decision, and each child wrestles internally with his conscience and his level of courage to arrive at that decision. Will he take part in the bullying to ensure that he doesn't become the next target? Will he hang back, unwilling to actively participate, but willing to encourage the bully nonetheless by laughing at the actions unfolding before him? Is he uncomfortable enough with the bullying that he looks away and tries to pretend it's not happening? Or will he listen to his strong, internal moral code and somehow find the courage to tell the bully to knock it off?

The Assistant

Many bullies have a sidekick, and some will have multiple sidekicks who serve as the bully's henchmen. Bullies like to have the safety of backup bullies, just in case one of his victims has the nerve to stand up to him. And the assistants are more than happy to provide backup to the bully because the assistant can engage in bullying behavior without having to be the ringleader.

This allows him to excuse his behavior by saying, “I wasn't the one who started it.” He can live vicariously through the bully without having to be mean enough or cruel enough to do the worst of the bullying. This type of assistant can be called a bully-lite.

Ben, the neighborhood bully, roams the neighborhood with five of his buddies. Some nights they get lucky and stumble upon the younger boys playing kick ball in the courtyard. Ben loves to torment the younger boys. Ben grabs their ball and points to one of the boys. Ben's henchmen surround the chosen boy and make it impossible for him to escape. Ben then beats down the boy with the ball until he lies huddled on the ground crying.

Are Ben's henchmen bullies or bystanders? They are both. They don't start the action, but they assist Ben in carrying it out. It's bad enough to be bullied by one boy; imagine how helpless and scared kids are when there are multiple assistant bullies to contend with?

The Encourager

Many children fit into this category. They don't actively bully the victim like the assistants do, but they are still a part of the action. They watch what is happening and are engaged in the situation. They may think what the bully is doing is funny, or they might laugh because they feel it is what is expected. Encouragers know that the bully wants an audience for his display of power and dominance, and most kids will oblige. Peer pressure is a powerful thing. So powerful that even “good” kids will behave badly under certain circumstances.

A second-grade girl named Kayla was being bullied by a classmate. The bully, named Emma, delighted in tormenting and embarrassing Kayla. One day at lunch, Emma intentionally poured a container of milk in Kayla's lap. When Kayla stood up, Emma pointed to Kayla's lap and loudly announced, “Look everyone! Kayla wet her pants!” All the kids at surrounding tables laughed. Kayla was devastated.

In this case, Emma pouring milk on Kayla was less embarrassing than the public humiliation that followed when all the kids saw the large wet spot, assumed she'd actually peed her pants, and laughed at her.

The Avoider

This is the child who is most affected by the bullying he witnesses. He feels badly for the victim, strongly dislikes what the bully is doing, but yet he's unable to engage. He wants to do something to help, but can't. He might be afraid he'll be the next target, he might be worried that other kids will make fun of him for trying to help, or he may not have enough confidence in his abilities to believe that he really can help. The feelings of guilt and helplessness that this type of bystander feels can have a lasting negative effect on his self-esteem.

Henry is the feared one on the school bus. He's a fifth grader who regularly trips kids, smacks their heads together, and squirts ketchup packets on them, saying, “Bang! You're dead.” This harassment happens every day on the trip to and from school. Tevon wishes he could stand up to Henry to tell him to stop, but he can't seem to do it. Every day in his head he rehearses what he would say, what he would do, and what the outcome would be if he just stood up to Henry. Every day Tevon watches Henry harass and bully the kids on the bus, and every day that he does nothing to stop it he feels lousy.

Why don't any of the kids tell the bus driver, a teacher, or their parents? Henry is just one boy. A bully maybe, but still just one boy. There are probably seventy other students on the bus; why won't anyone stand up to Henry? It's hard to understand how a single boy can cause such terror and abuse when he's so utterly outnumbered. But it happens. It happens on buses and in classroom, and until we empower kids to step forward to support the minority of kids being bullied, it will continue to happen.

The Hero

This bystander is a true hero. She will step in and confront the bully and tell her, “Stop it!” She sees the injustice of one child picking on another and isn't willing to ignore it. She understands that the victim of bullying needs help, not more abuse, and she's willing to give it. This child usually has high levels of confidence and self-esteem. She gets along well with others and isn't afraid that her friendships or social standing will be negatively affected if she stands up to the bully.

Studies show that in 50 percent of bullying events, if just one person who witnesses the bullying said, “Stop it!” it will stop. That means if a single child intervenes on behalf of your child when she's being bullied, half of the time it will stop. That's an amazing statistic. And probably true. Think about it: A bully doesn't want his authority challenged or undermined. So when a bystander challenges his authority to bully, the bully has two choices — to continue to bully or to stop.