Why Me?
Child psychologist David Schwartz conducted a study of children from 11 different schools. None of the children in the study knew each other before being chosen for the study. The children were sorted into 30 playgroups, each consisting of one popular, one neglected, two average, and two socially rejected boys. Over a period of five days, the children's play sessions were monitored and videotaped.
Schwartz found that the socially rejected boys behaved in a submissive manner right from the start, even before bully/victim situations developed. The “victim” kids didn't initiate conversations, made no suggestions, requests, or demands about what they all should play, and they spent their time playing passively away from their peers instead of playing with them. The victim kids clearly didn't have the social skills necessary to blend in and get along with their peers.
Alert!
Many kids who were bullied go on to lead normal, productive adult lives. Mel Gibson, Kate Winslet, Tom Cruise, Kevin Costner, and Tyra Banks are just a few of the many celebrities who openly admit they were bullied as kids. Take heart; bullying doesn't always have lasting negative effects.
So what is a parent to do when your child comes home from school crying and asks, “Why me? Why is that bully picking on me?” It can be hard to look him in the eye and explain that the main reason he's being bullied is because he's vulnerable, and that his vulnerability is being exploited by a peer who has been socialized to believe it's acceptable to hurt and humiliate someone who is weaker than he is.
The concept is hard enough for an adult to understand; but there are antidotes to bullying, things you and your child can do to develop his individual strengths and build a support system. It can be a daunting task, but one that can ultimately be successful. Find strategies and skills to help your child break the bullying cycle.
Essential
Talk about school often with your child, and pay attention to what he says. Ask specific questions about your child's activities and friendships. Explain what bullying is to your child and provide examples of bully behavior. Encourage your child to tell you when bullying happens at school.
Passive and Provocative Victims
There are two basic kinds of victims: passive and provocative. A passive victim is quiet, shy, and introverted. He is the child on the playground who plays alone and refuses to make eye contact with the other children. This child is often the target of verbal and relational bullying. When bullied, he easily gives in to the bully and passively accepts his fate. This reaction serves to continue the bullying cycle and leads to the victim becoming more and more socially withdrawn.
Provocative victims are usually active and disruptive kids. A provocative child will act out in socially unacceptable ways that his peers find distasteful, and over time he becomes a social misfit. Once he is labeled a social misfit, the other kids believe that he deserves to be bullied, that he brings it on himself somehow. This isn't true, of course, but that's the way children will respond.
