As your child begins to develop stronger social skills and more confidence, he will be ready to start asserting himself in uncomfortable situations. Many kids aren't naturally assertive and need to be taught that it is not just okay to stand up for themselves, it is recommended.

The first thing to do is teach him the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. Explain that aggressive people try to force their will on others, whereas assertive people simply stand up for their own rights and feel comfortable defending themselves against aggressive people and unfairness. Assertive people don't bully or badger, they calmly state their position and refuse to submit to shoddy treatment.

Jade is a fourth-grade girl who has been taking an assertiveness-training community-education class with her mother. Jade has been victimized by bullies since she was in the first grade. The assertiveness-training class has taught Jade how to stand up for herself.

The next time Diane tries to bully Jade, Jade stands up tall and says loud and clear, “No one deserves to be bullied. If you don't stop, I will walk over and tell Mrs. Spellman that you are trying to bully me.” Jade asserts herself clearly and consistently for the next few weeks until the bully eventually leaves her alone.

Provide a good example for your child and don't let others bully you. Assert yourself calmly and clearly when dealing with salespeople, repairmen, etc. Stand up for your rights every chance you get and hopefully, your child will learn by example that it works.

Asking for Help

It is important for your child to be able to ask for help when he needs it. Many kids are unwilling to ask for help for a variety of reasons — they believe they won't receive it, they believe they won't be believed, they feel like they should handle their problems on their own, etc. It is your job as a parent to help your child understand that there are times when everyone needs help — even you. Tell your child about a time where you had to ask for help and be sure to include how grateful you were to receive it.

Let him know that asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of and that he should never hesitate to ask you (or another adult) for help. If he is reluctant to go to his teacher for help, set up an appointment with you, your son, and the teacher to work out a strategy that will help your child feel more comfortable seeking help.

Saying No

Many grownups struggle with the inability to say no; it is a common problem. And kids have an even tougher time saying no, mainly because they are not taught that it is acceptable to do so. Your child should feel that he has the right to say no to a request that makes him uncomfortable. If your child does not wish to attend a certain party, he should be allowed to say, “Maybe next time.” If he doesn't feel like playing tag with the other boys, he should feel secure saying, “No, thank you.”

Part of instilling a sense of personal power in your child is giving him the freedom to control the things he does and does not want to do. Let him make some decisions and he will gain the confidence to believe he can make the right and best decisions for himself.

Dealing with Bullies

As your child's confidence and self-esteem increase, he will be better equipped to deal with kids who try to bully him. Over time, as he practices his social skills, becomes more aware of his body language, improves his friendship-making skills, and improves his level of assertiveness, he will feel more competent dealing with aggressive kids and kids who bully.

As he tries to deflect bullying, help him try new strategies and devise new plans to deal with it. With your help (and a plan), he will no longer feel that he's alone. You have been helping him for some time, and he will feel confident you will help guide him through this, as well.