Every parent wants the best for her child. The most common response to, “What do you want for your child?” is “I want my child to be happy and healthy.” And for the most part, it's relatively easy to keep kids healthy. After all, an entire industry is devoted to children's health. We have lotions and potions, pills and tablets, vaccines and checkups. When a child is sick, there are doctors to see, specialists to consult, and hospitals where kids can receive the best care — healthy is covered.

But what about happy? How do you ensure your child's happiness? There isn't a pill or elixir to instantly cure unhappiness, but there are ways you can insulate your child from unhappiness. Not all unhappiness, mind you, but the kind of unhappiness that comes from having low self-esteem and little self-worth.

Let's start by defining and understanding self-esteem. Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines self-esteem as, “a confidence and satisfaction in oneself.” Don't be fooled by the recent self-esteem backlash that has researchers and psychologists criticizing kids with overly high self-esteem. No doubt you saw these types of headlines: “Parents who praise too much” or “A generation of kids with swelled heads from too much false praise.” If your child is struggling with self-esteem issues, you can safely ignore the hype that too much self-esteem is bad for kids.

Self-esteem is a necessary and vital psychological skill that kids need to feel competent and confident in their ability to handle all aspects of life. And having positive self-esteem is the cornerstone of living a happy life. When a child feels good about who he is, he is more capable of handling the ups and downs of life.

Luckily, the level of your child's self-esteem can be raised, and with a little help from you, he can keep improving his self-esteem until it is as positive as it can be. Do you know whether your child has high or low self-esteem? Here's how to find out.

Behaviors commonly associated with high self-esteem include:

• Your child socializes well with other children.

• Your child can say no to his peers.

• Your child can enter a roomful of strange children and find someone to play with.

• Your child is mainly relaxed and good natured.

• Your child maintains good personal hygiene.

• Your child can lose a game gracefully.

• Your child is determined not to give up easily.

• Your child is aware of his strengths and weaknesses.

• Your child can accept constructive criticism.

• Your child has friends.

Behaviors commonly associated with low self-esteem include:

• Your child resists new experiences and new situations.

• Your child keeps to himself and is socially withdrawn.

• Your child is often tense and can have drastic mood swings.

• Your child doesn't care about his appearance.

• Your child is a sore loser and gets upset at even the thought of losing a game.

• Your child has trouble standing up for himself and rarely expresses his wants and needs.

• Your child gets frustrated and gives up easily.

• Your child focuses on the negative and makes statements like, “Nobody likes me,” “I'm a loser,” or “I wish I could just disappear.”

• Your child is sensitive and can be easily hurt by the slightest criticism.

• Your child has very few or no friends.

Chances are good your child doesn't fit squarely in either the high or low self-esteem categories. But while he may incorporate traits of both lists, he will likely fit better into one over the other. And if your child shows more of the behaviors associated with the low self-esteem list, it is time to take action.

Temperament

Every baby is born with a unique temperament. A temperament is that part of the personality genetically based or inborn. A child's temperament is made up of a set of traits that determine how he will relate to the world and the people in it. These traits are usually fairly stable and should not be viewed as either good or bad. It is not possible to change your child's temperament, but you do need to understand it. Simply understanding your child's temperament can help you anticipate what situations may be potentially difficult for your child. And it will help you tailor your parenting strategies to compliment your child's temperament.

Rita is the mom of a seven-year-old girl named Rachel. Rachel is a quiet, calm girl who isn't fond of noise and activity. Rita, on the other hand, is an outgoing and active woman who has an insatiable lust for life. Rita has dozens and dozens of close friends and is always looking to make more. Rita likes to throw large, loud parties as often as she can.

When Rachel's birthday comes along, Rita suggests inviting Rachel's entire second-grade class over for a Mexican-themed birthday bash. Rachel refuses and Rita gets upset. Rita thinks there is something wrong with Rachel and she worries that if Rachel doesn't “loosen up” she will be an outcast at school. Rachel feels like her mom wants her to be something she isn't and it makes her feel like a failure, which is negatively affecting her self-esteem.

Rita takes Rachel to see a counselor and is stunned to discover that Rachel is perfectly normal. The counselor helps Rita see that her expectation that Rachel is supposed to be just like her is causing problems in their relationship. The counselor helps Rita understand that Rachel has always been a quiet, introverted person — and that it is just fine.

The counselor encourages Rachel to tell her mom exactly what type of party she wants for her birthday (Rachel wants to invite her best friend over to watch a movie and to sleep over). Rita realized she was trying to force Rachel to have the type of party she wanted, not the type of party Rachel would prefer. Rita and Rachel now have a terrific relationship because Rita understands, appreciates, and respects her child's unique temperament and personality traits.

You can inadvertently undermine your child's self-esteem when you fail to appreciate and honor his uniqueness. This is important to remember as you read through the rest of this chapter and the next. The strategies discussed are meant as guidelines on how to improve your child's self-esteem and social skills. But don't forget to factor in the specifics of your child's personality and overall temperament.

Strategies for Improving Your Child's Self-Esteem

Read through the following list of strategies and select the ones that will help your child the most. Take your time and don't rush your child through them. Developing a higher self-esteem takes time and positive experiences and it won't happen overnight. Set aside a consistent time each day to go over and work on one or more of these suggestions, and before long, you will start to see positive changes in your child.

• Find Your Child's Areas of Strength and Competence

  One important component of self-esteem is not overlooking or undervaluing what your child can do well. It may not be what you want him to be good at, but what you want doesn't matter at the moment. Just because you were the quarterback of the football team doesn't mean your son will follow in your footsteps. Your son may play football to appease you, but may secretly love origami or have a passion for astronomy.

  Don't miss out on opportunities to uncover special interests and talents in your child simply because you are pigeonholing him into a smaller, younger version of yourself. Your child is not a chip off the old block; he's an individual with his own talents and competencies. Discover what those talents are and encourage your child to develop them.

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  Create a brag book or scrapbook for your son. Solicit positive statements from family members and friends. Ask loved ones and others who know and interact with your child to write something positive about your child in his book. Realizing what others like and admire about him can have a powerful and positive impact on your child's self-esteem.

  Make a list of the things you think your child is good at. Also, include his positive traits and anything you think makes him special and worthy of praise. Show this list to your child and ask him if there is anything else you should add to the list. Once the list is complete, hang it up in a place where he can see it every day. When he's feeling down or depressed, have him read the list aloud. Regular reinforcement of your child's positive traits and value can help him weather the difficult days.

  Ask your child what he is proud of. His answers might surprise you, and they may give you some insight into what he values and thinks is important in his life. Your son may be proud of himself for things that are entirely different than the things you are proud of him for. Understanding what is in your child's heart will make it easier to steer him in a direction that will foster his self-esteem instead of undermining it.

• Provide Specific Praise and Encouragement

  When praising your child, try to avoid ambiguous or nonspecific phrases, such as, “You're a good boy.” “Good job.” or “Nice work.” These types of phrases don't mean much to a child, and they do very little to improve a child's self-esteem. In order for praise to be effective, it needs to be specific: “I like the way you held your sister's hand in the parking lot to keep her safe. That was very responsible of you.” “I noticed how hard you have been working at soccer practice. Your effort is really paying off and I can see that you are getting better.”

  Overwhelmingly, kids hear negative comments far more often than they hear positive ones. Parents are quick to order, command, nag, and reprimand, but often forget to praise and compliment. Unfortunately, human nature is to focus on the negative instead of the positive. Think about it — your child is playing quietly in the other room and you say nothing. A few minutes later, he's bouncing a super ball off the wall and you yell at him to knock it off and quiet down. Why is it that parents generally only speak up when it is to reprimand or control the behavior of their child?

  If you have a child with self-esteem issues, you need to retrain your automatic responses and take the exact opposite approach. You need to notice when your child is doing something right or well and you need to compliment him. Do this often for both big and little behaviors. It takes a bit of getting used to, but once you see how your child shines when you praise him instead of criticizing him, you will see the benefit.

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  Use some of these phrases when praising your child:“I'm so glad you are my son/daughter.” “You are really good at ________.” “I am proud of you for ________.” “I like the way you ________, keep it up.” “I love you.” “________ was a smart idea.” “I appreciate the way you ________.” “Thank you for being you.”

  If your child behaves in a manner that needs disciplining, stop and think about your words and actions before you react or punish him. Try to remember that to discipline your child is to teach him. So don't place hurtful or insulting labels on him. Don't say things like, “Why don't you use your brain?!” “How can you be so stupid?” or “What's wrong with you?” These types of statements will damage his self-esteem and make him feel bad about himself.

  Set rules, and when your child breaks them, implement a consequence in a nonjudgmental way. If your child was supposed to clean his room on Sunday and come Monday you notice his room is a pigsty, inform him of the agreed-upon consequence (e.g., no playing outside until it's clean). There is no need to call him lazy or irresponsible.

• Keep Up the Exercise

  Be sure your child engages in enough physical activity. Physical activity can raise self-esteem in kids. Regular exercise can release endorphins (feel good hormones) that will help your child manage stress and bad times. When your child can manage his stress better, he will feel more competent and better about himself.

  Regular exercise will also help him maintain a healthy body weight and a healthy body image; having a healthy body weight and image will naturally improve his self-esteem. Allow your child to choose the method of exercise he prefers, but require that he does exercise.

• Find Areas That Need Improvement

  Ask your child to make a list of anything in his life that he would like to change. You might be surprised by what you find out. Try not to judge — this is his list, not yours. Look the list over carefully and pick out the things that you and your child can control. If your child hates that his skin breaks out, bring him to the dermatologist. If your child wishes he knew how to play the guitar, borrow a guitar and try to set up some informal lessons. If he wants a new hairdo, encourage him to be adventurous.

  If there is something your child can't change, try to see if you can turn the negative into a positive. If your child hates his size 13 feet, point out that shoes in an unusual size are always in stock. If your child hates that he's the youngest of four, point out that your parenting skills have gotten better with each successive child, and that your youngest gets the benefit of advice from his three other siblings; an only child isn't so lucky.

  The point here is to get your child talking about what things can be changed and what things can't be changed. If something can't be changed, it might be time to readjust his thinking about that particular issue. A child can't change the fact that his parents are divorced, but he can learn to look for a bright side of the situation. This teaches your child to look for a silver lining in even the darkest of situations.

• Devise a Plan to Improve Areas That Need It

  Once you and your child have discussed what types of things he wants to improve, you will need to make a step-by-step plan to follow. Start small. Say, for example, that your child wants to feel more comfortable joining a group of children on the playground at school. Start by asking him what he does now. He may tell you that he does nothing, that he doesn't approach kids who are already engaged in play. If that is the case, take him to the playground to watch how other kids do it.

  Spend an afternoon just sitting and watching the interactions of kids on the local playground. Point out what the other kids are doing, and talk with your son about how the other kids go about joining in play. Be sure to let him tell you his hopes and fears. And don't discount his fears; address them and tell him that it's normal to be nervous. Share with him how you feel when arriving at a dinner party where you don't know anyone or how you felt when you attended your first PTO meeting.

  Alert!

  For a successful play date, follow these guidelines: Impose a time limit (one to two hours for young children, two to three for older kids). Invite an even number of kids (that way no one gets left out). Set some ground rules. Supervise, but don't participate. Offer refreshments (check with parents beforehand about allergies). Have a backup plan (keep various indoor and outdoor games handy).

  The next step would be to organize a small get-together. Ask a few neighborhood families or friends to come by with their children. Let your child practice the things you saw and talked about at the playground with kids he already knows. Praise the efforts he makes. Remember, your child won't master a new skill right away. It will take practice and time.

  Be sure to debrief afterward and talk with your son to see if he felt his efforts were met with success. If not, it's back to the drawing board to devise a new plan. Tip: When teaching new social skills to your child, it may be better to gather a group of children who are slightly younger than your child. This way, he can practice his skills on a younger, less judgmental crowd.

  Encourage socialization. The more your child socializes with other kids, the better he will get at mirroring and emulating their behavior. If your child is exposed to kids with healthy, positive self-esteem, your child will have a better chance of learning positive behaviors from them. Teach your child how to self-monitor his behavior. When you debrief with your child, he is learning to look at his behavior objectively and as an outsider. This will help him learn to monitor and adjust his behavior to achieve the most positive outcome. With your help and over time, he will learn to do what works and to avoid doing what doesn't work. This level of self-awareness is a valuable social skill.

  This process of becoming more self-aware will also develop your child's decision-making skills. He will learn to evaluate situations in a logical manner, make better decisions, and he will slowly gain confidence in his decision-making skills.

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More examples of positive self-affirmation: “I will get through this.” “Tomorrow will be better.” “It is okay that someone doesn't like me.” “I like me.” “This will pass.” “I am strong.” “I choose to be the bigger person.” “I refuse to let this bother me.”

• Teach Your Child How to Engage in Positive Self-Talk

  Tell your child that almost everyone feels badly about himself every now and again. It's human nature, and it's normal. Teach him that when he feels down or depressed, he can use self-affirmations to improve his state of mind. Affirmations are statements like, “I can do it; I know I can,” “I'll be okay,” “With practice, I'll get better soon,” or “Nobody's perfect.” Tell him that grownups self-affirm all the time and that it will usually make him feel a bit better.

• Teach Your Child How to Learn From His Mistakes

  It is important for children to know that everyone makes mistakes — even you. Your child needs to know that you aren't perfect and that you don't expect him to be perfect, either. Tell him stories about when you made big and small mistakes. Share with him how you felt about the mistake at the time and how you feel about it now. This can help your child put a little perspective on what he sees as his own colossal mistakes. He needs to understand that mistakes are okay — you simply learn from them and move on.

  Some parents teach their kids that do-overs are okay. A do-over is when you and your child mentally erase whatever mistake was just made and start over fresh. For instance: If your child was helping you cook and accidentally put the wrong measurement of ingredients in the casserole, don't let it become a big deal. Announce that it's time for a do-over, toss the ruined casserole, and start over with a smile. Don't mention the wrecked casserole. The main rule of a do-over is that it isn't spoken about again — period. This allows your child the freedom to make mistakes without it negatively affecting his self-esteem.

  Tip: You can use this for your grownup mistakes as well. One savvy mom, who had had a lousy day, suddenly couldn't bear the normal bickering of her kids in the backseat of her car. She lost her cool and hollered at her kids for a good five minutes. When she realized what she'd done (taken her own frustrations out on her kids), she drove back to the school where she'd just picked them up, announced she needed a do-over, and proceeded to have a lovely ride home with her amused kids sitting quietly in the backseat.

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Here are a few nonverbal ways to show your child you love and are proud of him: wink at him; pat him on the back, head, or shoulder; give him a high-five; create a private gesture that means, “I love you”; smile at him; give him a spontaneous bear hug; laugh with him; play with him.

• Teach Your Child It's Okay to Laugh at Himself

  Humor can do marvelous things for the human psyche. It is a known stress reliever and it can improve your mood. And teaching your child that it is okay to laugh at himself will be invaluable to him in the long run. The best way to do this is by being able to laugh at yourself and your own trials and tribulations. If your child sees that you don't have to take everything so seriously, he will follow your lead and let up on himself as well.

  Point out to your child that the funniest things are often the most embarrassing, mortifying, or traumatic things when they first happen. But as time goes by, you are often able to see the humor in the situation. “We'll laugh about this someday” is a good perspective to keep.