It's human nature to want to put off things that are uncomfortable, and dealing with mortality issues is never a comfortable situation. The obvious time to intervene is when you have no other choice, but a lot of stress and heartache can be avoided if you begin to get things organized long before it becomes a crisis. As you begin to note that your parents are getting older, this is the time to begin to intervene and plan for the future.

Talk about their wishes and their fears. Let them know that you are here for them and that you expect to participate in their elder-care issues; you want to help them remain as independent as possible for as long as possible and you will help them do this. Express your own feelings to them about your fears and expectations regarding their care. Discuss the issue of being a burden, and try to relieve their guilt. They raised you, and perhaps even helped to care for your children while you worked — now it's time to return the favor.

Encourage them to begin to rely on you for some assistance, as needed, now. Perhaps your husband is handy like your father always was, but now your father is not able to fix things. Have them keep a list, and each time you visit plan for some handyman tasks.

Perhaps your mother used to love to embroider when she watched TV at night, but she seems to have lost interest lately. Maybe she can't see well enough to do it anymore. There are a lot of new lights and magnifying devices available that would allow her to continue with her favorite hobby. She may not know this or be able to afford them. She would never tell you she can't see well; she'd rather you think she's just lost interest. You may have to probe into a situation and make it a special-occasion gift.