Make Sure They Still Have Some Control
No matter how dire the circumstances get, it is important to remember your parents are adults and need to be part of the decision-making process. Unless they are totally incapacitated or mentally incompetent, they need to have a voice in what happens to them. Walk a mile in their shoes — would you want someone making decisions about your life and not asking for your input?
Just as you need to preserve their independence by keeping them involved in their own care, you also need to preserve their dignity. For example, while they may not want to move to an assisted-living facility, there may be no other safe choice. Letting them be involved in choosing the facility provides them the opportunity to retain some control over what happens to them.
For example, your mother was the primary caregiver for your father. She died last week, and now you have to make decisions about your father's future care. He can't continue to stay with you. He wants to remain in his own home, but he cannot be left alone. He is forgetful and needs assistance with all aspects of his daily activities such as dressing, grooming, walking, eating, and even toileting. He needs access to assistance twenty-four hours a day, which your mother has provided for years.
You tried to hire help several times, but your father is rigid and prejudicial. He was rude to the caregivers you hired and told each one of them to leave and not come back. Although they were knowledgeable, competent, and provided excellent care, your father wouldn't accept their help. He doesn't want any help now and says he can manage on his own. Realistically, he won't make it until dinnertime without falling. Nor can he cook for himself, or get himself into bed without assistance.
You have tried repeatedly to hire help he would find acceptable but have not been able to. There is a small facility near your home where he can be cared for, and you can visit every day. It won't be home, but he can move in some of his own furniture and belongings.
There is another facility further from your home. It is larger and has more potential for group activities and socialization for your dad. He could have more of his furniture there, but you might not be able to visit as often.
You will also entertain the possibility of letting him remain at home, but he has to be willing to accept care from the agency you had before. He would have to be more tolerant and cannot be rude. He could not fire the aides.
You and your brother present him with all of the information and brochures on the two facilities. You can take him to visit them tomorrow and then make a decision. Although none of the choices please him, your father still has the control to decide which one he's willing to try. He's angry, but he knows he can't live alone. He is, however, still capable of making decisions for himself. By not making the decision for him without any input from him, you have hope that he'll be more cooperative and willing to make the best of the situation.
