Dealing with Guilt
It is all too easy not to think about growing older and facing mortality. Does anyone ever really plan for the possibility of having to care for elderly parents? It is a much more romantic notion to think they will age gracefully, and before they become dependent, will go off to sleep one night and just not wake up.
The rude reality is that seldom happens. This way of thinking and avoidance of the situation often leads to a crisis situation, with that dreaded middle-of-the-night phone call during a snow storm telling you Dad fell and your mother is panicking because she can't help him up and already pulled something in her back trying. He is injured and bleeding, and she thinks he broke his hip.
In 2003, there were approximately 14,000 deaths from falls among the population of seniors in the U.S. In fact, accidents are the sixth-leading cause of death for seniors, and falls are the leading cause of death from injury for seniors over age 65. Hip fractures are the cause of the most deaths from falls. Seventy to 80 percent of all hip fractures happen to women
Dad tripped over a throw rug on his way to the bathroom, and no, he didn't take his walker because “he knows his way around the house, and he doesn't need it.” He knocked over a lamp and the pile of magazines next to his side of the bed are now scattered all over!
Yes, those are all thing you meant to address with your parents on your last visit, but you thought it could wait. They like their clutter and it really hasn't been a hazard until now. They seem to manage just fine with an occasional visit from you to help with household maintenance. The signs have been there for a while now — they are aging and far less able to do the things they once did. They manage, but their lifestyle is much more casual and slow paced.
It is important to begin planning now, not only for your parents and in-laws, but for your future elder care as well. It's easy to put it off and deny there is a problem brewing just below the surface, but when it hits you smack in the face, you'll be forced to make decisions that might be more costly than if you'd set aside some time to talk with your parents about their wishes for their future.
As the AARP survey found, there is guilt involved in this process; more for some than for others, but each individual case has its own set of circumstances. Everyone wants what is best for his or her parents and loved ones, despite differences along the way. There will be times when you didn't anticipate quickly enough, times when you cannot afford to give more financially, and times when you simply cannot participate personally.
Learn to understand your own limitations and don't make promises you cannot keep. There are many factors and other responsibilities you will have to take into account, including your parents, children, spouse, and siblings, just to name a few. You also have to consider and protect your job, your own finances, and your health and well-being as well.
You need to resist the temptation to take over and care for your parents or in-laws simply because you couldn't possibly live with yourself and your guilt if something happened to them and you hadn't made the choice to care for them. There will be times when you simply have to bite your tongue, cross your fingers, and wait and see. Unless the situation is obviously unsafe, you have to let them do as much for themselves as possible.
If something worries you, speak up, but let them decide how to improve or change the situation. Of course, offering suggestions and advice can be helpful, but don't be surprised if they reject it. Sometimes you just have to plant a seed (idea) and let the idea grow and become theirs. You'll have to be ready to jump in, and quite possibly at the most inopportune time, but in most cases, you should not just take over.
