Dealing with Your Grief and Helping the Surviving Spouse
You cannot hurry through grief; you have to let it happen and grow from it. Long after the funeral is over and extended family and friends have gone home and back to their lives, you may be hit by a whole new wave of grief, or just begin to experience it.
If your parent has been ill and suffering for a long time, you may not even feel sorrow, you may actually feel a sense of relief and peace. There is no need to feel guilty that you are relieved. You may have actually completed your grieving process long ago. This can be especially true for family members of Alzheimer's patients. The loss of memory was such a tremendous loss that your grieving was done over the loss of your parent as you knew her.
Each death is unique and so is each person's grieving process. Friends and family may urge you to let it all out, to cry and to express your anger and other emotions, but until you are ready, you won't.
Sometimes the surviving spouse may not experience grief after the death because she grieved long ago as well. If your mom has taken care of your dad for many years while he suffered from a chronic illness, she may have grieved for the loss of her husband years ago. She may have experienced a disassociation from him and will express it in terms of that man wasn't her husband, he was just a man she was taking care of. Her husband was lost to her many years ago when he became so disabled.
You might even see your surviving parent emerge with a whole new personality. The role of dutiful wife has ended. This new life as a single woman may give her the freedom to express herself in ways she has kept hidden away for years. Or she may become totally dependent on you and your family and seemingly unable to function on her own.
The first instinct may be to move your surviving parent into your home or an assisted-living situation, but be cautious. Giving up a home she shared with this newly deceased spouse can prove to be too difficult.
While you might think it too sad to remain in a place full of so many memories, it can be comforting and reassuring to the surviving spouse. Sometimes immersing oneself in all of the memories helps facilitate the grieving process and at the same time present some comfort in knowing the person is always present in those memories.
The most important thing you need to do for yourself and for your surviving parent is to take care of your health issues. Grief can make you susceptible to illness, hormonal imbalances, and disrupt sleep and eating patterns. Chronic headaches, irritability, and general fatigue can plague you.
Focus your efforts on normalizing routines and don't take on any extra responsibilities. Maximize the nutrition in the foods you eat, and even if you are unable to sleep, rest and relaxation is essential. Try to distract yourself for a little while with television, playing a board game, reading, or going to the movies. Take a break from active grieving to let your body recover. Drink plenty of liquids if you have been crying. Tears are healing, but you can become dehydrated.
As time goes by, the pain and grieving will lessen. It's normal to forget that your father is gone and pick up the phone to call him. It's normal to want to talk to your dad about how his favorite team just won an important game. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays will be especially hard. Plan something to keep you and your parent busy that day. You might even include a special moment of silence or a time for sharing memories. If possible, end on a note of laughter about a funny memory or something that has happened lately that your late father would find funny. Remember that grief is an ongoing process and you will always miss the people you have lost.
