Keeping family members involved and informed can be a significant task, but it can help prevent a lot of conflicts, resentments, and hurt feelings. Even so, you may not be able to avoid these. There will be siblings who refuse to help out and tell you this up front. There will be those who promise to help and then flake every time. There will be those who resent you taking charge and criticize every move you make but are unwilling to do anything. There will also be the spouses who prevent the most likely helpers from becoming involved.

You may find that everyone works well together and your parents are content and well cared for. A few years after the fact, your sister starts criticizing or blaming you for not letting her help when she wanted to, or not listening to her suggestions or needs. You may not ever understand where this came from or why she harbored these feelings for so long.

Family meetings with or without an outsider to referee can help discuss and resolve issues, or they can turn into shouting matches and have no value at all. You have to set and agree on ground rules, then you have to follow them. Oftentimes, having a referee can help you all be a little more objective and less likely to slip into old roles or become emotionally swayed by actions or problems.

Everyone should have a turn to speak and to be heard. Sometimes you will also have to take turns at trying some of the suggestions you may know will fail, if for no other reason than to illustrate why they won't work. Sometimes you have to resort to rock-paper-scissors or drawing names or ideas from a hat. And sometimes you just have to be adults and agree to disagree.

Don't forget the obvious choice: to let your parents step in and decide for themselves what they need and want from each of you or to make you all hug and be nice to each other.

Try to keep care-giving issues less complicated by not pulling in aunts, uncles, cousins, and other extended family members unless they are directly involved with the care. Siblings will have enough baggage to bring to the table. Spouses and grandchildren may only complicate the situation as well, but again, if they are directly involved they should be included in the meetings and discussions. You need to keep all family informed of events and decisions.

Stay focused on the fact that you need to provide care for your parents within the realistic realms of their wishes and in their best interests. This isn't about you, and it isn't about your siblings, spouses, or children. It is about your parents.