Long before you move your parents or in-laws, you may need someone close by to look in on them or alert you if they notice anything unusual or in case of an emergency. If you made contact with your parents' neighbors during a visit, you will have established a rapport. Be sure to let them know you don't expect them to assume any major responsibilities for your parents; you just need someone to alert you to possible problems.

As with your siblings, you may want to put in writing what you want them to report to you. This could be in the form of a letter after you return home from your visit.

Dear Mrs. Jones,

Thank you for being such a good friend and neighbor to my parents. I don't expect you to ever have to assume any responsibility for them; it's just comforting to know that someone can alert me if there are problems I would otherwise be unaware of. We realize they are getting older and will need some additional care, which we will provide.

I would appreciate it if you could please let me know, of course, if there is any emergency, but also if you notice anything unusual such as newspapers left on the driveway or mail not being picked up.

Mom makes a trip to the grocery store almost every day. If she can ever assist you by picking up something, please feel free to ask her.

Thanks so much. My number again is xxx-xxx-xxxx. Please call me collect. My e-mail address is: me@me.com

Always be sure to say please and thank you, and as appropriate send holiday wishes. If there is ever any expense incurred by the neighbors, reimburse it immediately. If the neighbor has had to become involved frequently, a thank-you gift such as a fruit basket or flowers would be a nice gesture. Remember, this person is helping you keep an eye on things; reassure her that you are taking steps to avoid these issues.

Friends Helping Friends

Often in large retirement communities, friends band together to help take care of each other. They may be lifelong friends who all moved to the same community upon retirement or they may have become friends after they moved in.

They are all acutely aware of the fact that their families live a distance away and that, unfortunately, some have less loyal families they can depend on in their old age.

These friends take care of each other as much as they can. One or two may do the grocery shopping; others make sure their friends get to medical appointments. Some help each other out with other tasks such as bill paying or collecting reimbursements from health-insurance policies. Their strong bond of friendship also serves as self-preservation; they don't want their group of friends separated so they do what they can to help each other stay in their homes.

They may have an alert system worked out whereby the residents open their drapes or blinds in the front window first thing when they get up; they close them at sundown. If someone notices this pattern is off, he'll investigate.

In these situations or other instances your parents may have close friends nearby who could alert you to possible problems or situations where you need to step in and offer assistance, or take charge and possibly move your parent closer to you.

It is a good idea to have the contact information for at least a few of your parents' best friends. This helps to enlarge their circle of support and to improve your abilities to know and understand what is happening in your parents' lives. Friends can provide a good basis for understanding and recognizing changes in mental status or physical condition. Make it a point to meet your parents' friends when you visit your parents.