Signals for Singles
Wouldn’t it be great if there were an easy way to tell if someone were single and looking? Maybe a little sign on the forehead, something along the lines of “Ask me about my relationship status!” Alas, life is more complicated than this. So how do single men and women make themselves known to potential mates? There is an array of nonverbal cues that singles (and not-so-singles) use to put themselves out there and assess who might be out there with them.
Roving Eyes
People who are interested in other people are natural eye-contact-makers. It’s not that they put a lot of thought or effort into it; they can’t not look into other people’s eyes. Every person they pass, every stranger on the street is subject to a glance and a friendly, “How’s it going?”
“Now wait,” you’re thinking. “Some people just do that. It doesn’t mean that they’re looking for love. They’re just friendly.” That might be true in some cases, but try your own experiment. Walk into a crowded café or bookstore and take note of how many people actually make eye contact with you beyond a fleeting glance. The number will inevitably be small. Anyone who does look at you for more than a second will probably smile or offer you a greeting. If this person isn’t an employee, there’s a reasonable chance that he or she is open to conversation … and possibly more.
Unlike holding doors and offering seats to women and the elderly, friendly eye contact isn’t something that’s usually ingrained in children as a polite measure. Many adults struggle with appropriate eye contact, especially with strangers.
Snuggling Up
Later in this chapter, you’ll read how to use personal space to your advantage when you’re looking to get to know someone better. For now, you need to know that when someone comes into your personal space (which is a twelve- to eighteen-inch perimeter surrounding you), he’s getting friendly with you. Obviously, this doesn’t apply on a crowded bus or even in a jam-packed nightclub. Let’s say you have a coworker who’s always standing a little too close to you. It’s not only when you’re both reading the same document or constructing a model of some sort, it’s when the two of you are waiting in line at the cafeteria, when you take the elevator together in the morning, and when he comes into your office to see what you’re up to. This very situation happened to Kari, an overworked architect who, like her colleagues, had little time to date and even less time to evaluate the close proximity between herself and her coworker Allen … until friends in the office pointed it out to her. “I assumed he thought of me as his sister,” Kari says. “We didn’t have a flirtatious relationship at all, so when my friends started noticing how close he always stood to me, I laughed at them. But then I started to notice it, too. They were right. He asked me to dinner, and the rest is history.” (Kari and Allen have been married for four years.)
Someone who’s working hard on a project at his desk and biting and licking his lips is doing this as a means of soothing his nerves and/or expressing his frustration. But someone who’s staring at you in a restaurant and biting his lips is expressing his interest in you.
Most people have an innate sense of personal space. Women are more likely to stand too close to other people than men, who tend to be especially protective of their perimeters. If a man is creeping ever closer to you, there’s a reason for it: He digs you.
Lip Service
In Chapter 6, you read all about the body language of the mouth, including that licking your lips isn’t always a sign of sexual interest … but sometimes it is. You have to take the situation and the environment into consideration.
A common myth is that a girl who chews her ice or straw is looking for action. It could be that she’s a very tense person and this is her way of releasing some of that pent-up energy. It’s more important to take stock of her eye contact, body angling, and whether she’s using friendly touches. If she’s staring into your eyes, turning her body to face you, and placing her hand on your forearm, these cues suggest that she’s interested in more than friendly conversation.
