Eye Saw You First
If you’ve read any of the chapters in this book dealing directly with eye contact (most notably Chapter 7), then you already know how important it is to maintain an appropriate level of orbital interaction with whomever you’re speaking to. The rule of thumb is that you look into the person’s eyes for a few seconds before looking off to the side or down toward the ground for a few seconds; then you repeat the pattern. By staring nonstop into someone else’s eyes, you may come off as intimidating (or slightly crazy); by seldom looking into her eyes, you appear uninterested.
These are the rules for polite conversation. Do they apply when you’re trying to secure a date with a girl you’ve just met? Yes … and no.
The Art of the Pickup
There’s one theory that the early stages of flirting and dating are no time to be polite. There’s a lot of competition and little time to spare, you believe, and the more eye contact you can make—with as many girls as possible—the better. It’s like deep-sea fishing: If you put out enough lines, you’re bound to make a catch. (Such a romantic you are!)
Different women are attracted to different personality types. If you’re a nice guy who’s trying to attract a woman who likes bad boys, you may not be able to win her over, no matter how skilled you are at wielding your come-to-me body language.
While this theory will probably prove to be successful, it’s probably not as successful as you think, at least percentage-wise. If you spend the night making eyes at twenty different girls and your friend spends the evening concentrating his efforts on only two or three and you both go home with one phone number, you’ve done seven times the amount of work he’s done.
“Hey! That’s not fair!” you’re thinking. Why was he as successful as you when he’s obviously not as dedicated to the craft as you are? He was showing genuine interest in a chosen few, where you were putting yourself out there as some sort of gift to any female who might glance your way.
Call it a study in subtlety, but women tend to pick up on this type of thing. Girls don’t like to feel as though they’re expendable, that they could be replaced by any other female. (Of course, the same thing is true of men.) So if you’re making flirty eye contact with every woman you see and still going home alone, that could be why. Slow down, pick a couple of candidates from the crowd, and concentrate your efforts there.
The Stare Down
There’s polite eye contact, there’s more-than-polite eye contact—and then there’s crossing-the-line eye contact, which will be discussed a little later. As you’ve read, polite eye contact involves looking into her eyes for a few seconds before looking away and repeating the process. This is fine and well in casual conversations, but if you want to express a romantic interest in a woman, you’re going to have to use more eye power. That’s right—pull out the prolonged eye contact.
Maybe you’re the kind of guy who despises the awkwardness of eye contact, so you regularly look at your shoes or at the top of a person’s head when you’re speaking to her. This isn’t going to cut it in the dating world. You need to look into her eyes and hold that gaze. Count to ten before you look away. If you’re really enamored of this woman, keep on looking, but do be conscious of taking a break every now and then. Look down or off to the side and then bring your eyes back up to hers.
Continuous, unbroken eye contact is something that makes most people feel uncomfortable. If she looks frightened or as though she’s planning an escape route, that’s a pretty good indication that you should cut back on the eye contact a bit.
Holding eye contact for more than just a few seconds tells her two things: You can’t take your eyes off of her, and you’re genuinely interested in what she has to say. Now, in the event you’re using extended eye contact to draw her toward you—in other words, you haven’t met her, but you’re giving her the eye across the room—the former message still applies. You’re showing your interest in her. Once you make your way over to her, remember to use eye contact that says, “I made the right decision by coming to talk to you.”
Put Those Eyes Away!
It’s fine to use more eye contact than usual when you’re talking to someone you find particularly interesting, as long as you don’t overdo it and scare the poor girl. There’s another instance in which prolonged eye contact crosses the line—when you’re so focused on her body that you don’t bother looking at her face when you’re talking.
Staring at a woman’s chest from across the room is probably not going to win you many points. And looking at her chest while you’re actually speaking to her is going to get you downgraded into her pile of “Not a chance” men in a hurry.
The lesson to be learned here: take a quick look; then bring your eyes up to eye level … and keep them there.
At the very least, use a polite amount of eye contact when you’re talking to the object of your affection. If you’re truly smitten, use prolonged eye contact. What you don’t want to do is look everywhere but into her eyes. This says, “I’m biding my time till someone more interesting comes along.”
Shaping Your Eyes
Eye contact is important in any conversation, but so is the shape of the eye. Squinting, drooping eyes simply don’t look interested. An open eye shows that you’re into the conversation and not daydreaming about your golf outing tomorrow afternoon.
Do the brows communicate anything worthwhile in the area of love and romance? They work as a unit with the eyes. Raised brows are used to drive a message home—it’s kind of like saying, “Please believe what I’m saying.” Furrowed brows make you appear tense or angry, so if you have a habit of knitting your brows together, relax them.
A wide-open eye paired with a relaxed or raised brow line makes you appear interested in the other person. Practice this look in the mirror; you’ll be surprised how making little adjustments (opening the eye just a bit more than you usually do, for example) can make your entire face look more awake and alert.
