You might recall from earlier chapters that experts estimate that about two-thirds of face-to-face communication is nonverbal. Since online friendships blossom and strengthen every day, perhaps you’re thinking that there’s something to eliminating most of those confusing and conflicting nonverbal gestures and simply dealing with words. Is this the wave of future relationships?

Turn-Ons, Turn-Offs

When you’re working within the parameters of online communication, what types of nonverbal behavior draw people to you, and what types of behavior send people straight to the “Block Sender” button? Online chatters:

• Tend to search out people with some common interest, whether it’s the same profession, living in the same area, or participating in a particular activity

• Respond well to posters who show compassion and/or “listening” skills

• React negatively to posters who dominate the conversation and/or consistently throw out nasty or negative comments

• Tend to respond negatively to rude or inappropriate suggestions or questions (such as someone asking, “What’s your bra size?” on a political message board).

Personalities really do shine through online. When you are actively involved in message boards, you start to notice that there are some posters whose names you dread seeing, and others who you welcome with virtual open arms—just as you might have neighbors you enjoy speaking with, and others you hide from.

The same behaviors that tend to attract—and repel—people when they meet face to face can carry over into online relationships. Someone who is an opinionated button pusher in real life is not going to tone his ego down, especially online, where he can spout his rhetoric without being interrupted. Conversely, a poster who hates confrontation will probably avoid interacting with an online loud mouth.

But what if you are that meek person, and you’re sick and tired of being walked all over?

Cyberspace is a great place to try out a new persona. Go ahead and say what’s on your mind—diplomatically and intelligently—and stand by what you write. The positive feedback you get from trying something new in cyberspace might just inspire you to make similar changes in your face-to-face relationships.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

People who are into networking on message boards and chat rooms swear that they develop online relationships faster and more easily than in person, perhaps because the very things that might make initial meetings awkward—personal space, uncomfortable eye contact, long pauses in conversation—are absent from the picture. The problem is that without body language, you might have a hard time determining if someone is truly sincere or if she’s just presenting a very carefully edited version of herself. It’s easier to tell in person, for example, if someone is lying or being manipulative because you can evaluate her eye contact, her stance, the angle of her body, and even the tone of her voice.

Meeting an online friend in person may not be the experience you expect, for many different (and unexpected) reasons. Sometimes, it takes an in-person meeting to determine whether you have the chemistry necessary for a deeper relationship. Which leads some people to ask, “If the relationship works so well online, then why can’t we just have it that way?” Well, you certainly can have any sort of relationship you want, and online friendships are pretty common these days. But when you get into intimate relationships, you have to ask yourself if never actually being with the other person meets certain needs.

Take Leigh, for example. She met Scott through a mutual friend on Facebook. Before long, they were all over each others’ pages, private messaging each other, and eventually setting up Skype accounts so they could talk face to face every day. “It was great,” Leigh says. “I mean, it was so intense, and it felt like I was really dating this guy. He wasn’t just part of my life—he was the part of my life that I planned the rest of my day around.”

Sounds perfect, right? So what was the problem? “I live near Boston, and Scott is in Dallas,” Leigh laments. “I was working on my doctorate, and he had an excellent job that he has no intention of leaving. My entire family is up North. I’ve always lived here. My friends thought I was absolutely crazy to consider moving to Texas for a guy I had never been in the same room with.”

Leigh started to push for a face-to-face meeting, offering to fly to Dallas, or offering to host him for a weekend in Boston. “And suddenly, things cooled way down,” she says. “Instead of IMing all day long, there would be long gaps where I didn’t hear from him. He wouldn’t answer texts for hours on end, wouldn’t answer calls … I started to feel like a stalker.” It didn’t take her long to realize that Scott had been perfectly happy with an online girlfriend. Why? “Because he already had a serious girlfriend in Dallas,” she groans.

Now, many people will say that this same situation happens to people who live together, and that’s true. The fact of the matter is, though, that it’s easier for someone to hide significant portions of their life—or, conversely, only present what they want you to see—online. Even if you are actually seeing this person via webcam and reading their facial cues like a champ, have that sixth sense primed—and listen to it if something seems amiss.

Picture Perfect

Now, this is not to say that all online dating experiences end badly. In fact, with the advent of sites like Match.com, eHarmony.com, and Chemistry.com, more and more couples are at least meeting one another in noncontact settings. And many times, true love (or something approximating it) begins with seeing the other person’s picture.

It’s true that you don’t have to post your picture on dating websites, but if you don’t put your mug up on the screen, then you aren’t going to attract a lot of attention. In this case, it makes sense to let the cyberspace world see you.

But what if you take a terrible picture and you’re afraid that posting your photo or video clip will only do more harm than good? There are plenty of ways to adjust the controls on the pictures, so to speak, and still come out looking like yourself.

If you’re terrified of how your image might turn out, consider hiring a professional to take your picture. If you don’t want to spend the money on headshots, there are a few precautions you can take at home:

• Choose clothing that complements your complexion, giving you a glow. Whether it’s red, periwinkle, purple, or green, wear it in your picture or video clip.

• Find the right angle. If you have a large nose, for example, have your picture taken at a downward angle. Film your clip from a straight-on angle. This won’t eliminate it, but it will help to de-emphasize it.

• Use natural light if possible. It’s flattering to most skin types. (Pale people, especially, don’t photograph well in fluorescent lighting.)

• Smile. A genuine grin is your best asset when trying to attract quality attention.

Once you’ve got the angle and lighting covered, you can focus on putting a little body language on display. Do you want to appear:

• Sultry? Pout those lips a bit and angle your head down or to the side.

• Innocent? Widen your eyes and show off your great big smile.

• Cool? Tilt your head back a little, lower your eyelids a smidge, and pout your lips.

• Fun? Make a big, open-mouthed smile, as though you’re laughing.

No matter which direction you go, try to keep your expression as natural as possible. The camera will catch your vibe; there’s no need to overdo it.

Ta-da! You’ve produced an image that captures the essence of who you truly are, and whether your potential suitors realize it or not, what they’ll be responding to is your nonverbal gestures.

Video Star

Video-sharing websites (like YouTube) are hugely popular because they allow you to share clips with friends and family who can be next door or halfway around the world. After you download your own video, you can click around and watch the presentations submitted by complete strangers. Some are amusing, some are disturbing, but there’s one thing they all have in common: They’re out there, for the rest of eternity as far as anyone knows. The moral of the story: Before you post any video (or picture, for that matter) online, make sure you’re okay with the idea of its never-ending circulation—even if you’re not putting it in a public domain.

Be Wise with the Webcam

No two ways about it—this is bound to be an uncomfortable discussion, but a necessary one, especially for people who use webcams with little discretion. Here’s the deal: You should assume that whatever you send into cyberspace—even privately—can come back to haunt you, often when you least expect it, and at the hands of someone you once trusted implicitly. You only have to read the daily headlines to realize that people from all walks of life (celebrities, politicians, even teachers)—many of them intelligent human beings—fall victim to the “Oh, my pictures and videos will never get out” mentality and reap a whirlwind of embarrassment and the occasional personal ruin because of it.

The best advice? Keep your webcam use clean and your personal dealings as risqué as you want.

Sneak Peek for Employers

Online resumes are sometimes used to screen candidates for job openings before a company invites them for a sit-down interview. In this type of video, you have a great opportunity to express your confidence and enthusiasm for the position. Follow the tips you read earlier for perfecting your image, and then bring your business body language into the picture: make eye contact with the camera, sit up straight, smile every now and then, and make sure you’re not displaying any signs of nervousness (nervous shifting in your seat, for example, or clasping your hands too tightly or touching your face).

If you have the chance to send this type of resume to a prospective employer, think of it as a gift—you have the chance to edit your first impression! Once you get that invitation for a real interview, you can feel confident that someone in Human Resources liked what she saw in your video, and that will help you project your self-assurance in person.