When Roles Are Reversed
Roles within the family often become reversed when one or more members are dealing with addictions. Parents may abdicate their role as provider/caretaker in favor of pursuing their addiction. Children then take over the role of parents, making certain the food is prepared, the laundry is done, and the bills are paid. Adult children who have previously been responsible may regress into childish behaviors once addictions take over.
A boss who succumbs to addictions may allow subordinates to manage her business. An addicted spouse may leave the responsibilities of parenting, financial provision, and household management completely on the shoulders of the nonaddicted spouse.
When roles are reversed, resentments can develop in family members. Family members may feel helpless to change the situation. They have likely made many requests to the addict to change, to pick up his share of the load, and to recognize the hardship he's placing on others in the family. As long as the addiction is in charge, these requests typically fall on deaf ears, so to speak.
Essential
Family members may have been dissatisfied with their roles in the first place. Before challenging the addict regarding role reversals, it might be helpful for family members to reflect on whether they were satisfied with previous roles. Personal therapy may be beneficial in exploring this issue. Being clear about what one wants will help one to ask with greater confidence.
Family members may take on a reactive stance, doing the addict's share of the work, but feeling angry and resentful. It is essential for recovery that family members become proactive in these situations. Here are some tips for how to manage situations of role reversal:
Do not suppress feelings, but express them respectfully.
Firmly, but respectfully, point out addictive behaviors that are unacceptable.
Make clear requests designed to re-establish healthy family roles.
If changes do not occur, or if requests are ignored, be prepared to warn the addict of impending consequences.
If a warning of consequences also meets with a lack of cooperation, then the consequences must take place without fail and in a timely manner. Therefore, it is essential that family members don't threaten consequences that they are not willing or prepared to put into place.
Family members are often reluctant to enact these changes, fearing the addict will be driven further into her world of addictions or, even worse, will do something in response to the demands that will threaten her very life. Although an addiction is a disease, addictions do not make it impossible for the addict to make choices. Yes, it is more difficult for an addict to make a responsible choice than for others; however, it is still not impossible. An addict is not responsible for her disease, but she is responsible for her choices.
Alert
Manipulation is a hallmark strategy of an addict. An addict may become very convincing in manipulating others to help him continue in his addiction. Family members must be aware of this tactic and not be taken in. If family members feel confused or uncertain, they need to check things out. Ask the addict direct questions, hold her accountable, and examine the evidence to verify the addict's assertions. Remember, straightforward honesty is the path to recovery.
Family members cannot force choices on the addict. Consequences may be what are necessary for the addict to recognize how deeply he has been negatively affected by the addictions. They may be the motivation an addict needs to enter recovery. At the very least, they are necessary for the family to enter recovery. A significant problem is when role reversals affect children, who are not capable or powerful enough to state expectations and carry out consequences.
In this situation, extended family, adult friends, neighbors, teachers, or health care providers may need to report the situation to social services in order to make sure the children are cared for and protected.
